Friday, March 17, 2017

Not Worth the Cost

Think about a time that you saw something you liked, looked at the price, and said, "Well, I like this item, but there's no way I'm paying that price for it!"

Now, imagine that you somehow got forced, pressured, or manipulated into spending a lot of money on this item. When you tell your friends about it, they just keep insisting that this should not be an issue because you do like the product. You keep trying to explain that this product was not worth the amount of money that you spent on it, but your friends just don't get it.

THIS is what's it like when you keep pushing someone to focus on the good things that came of a situation that was horrible. Like the way that everyone tries to tell me that college could not have been that bad because something good must have come from it. Yes, there are good things that have happened in my life as a direct result of bad things, but that does not mean that the bad things were worth going through to get those good things. I never consented to paying that price. I like cupcakes but I am not willing to pay $1,000 for a cupcake, which is essentially what I did.

No matter what positive stuff comes out of a situation, it's always your right to say that it wasn't worth the cost.

Monday, March 13, 2017

You Make the Call

When you're taking a test, the test is only worth so many points. Whether it's 100 points, or 800, or whatever, there's a limit on how well you can do - you hit that highest score and that's it, you can't score any higher, that is the best that you can ever do on that particular test.

When you're writing something, it can always be perfected more. Always. You never reach that top score because it doesn't exist. There's always something else you can do to change it and make it better. Now if you're writing a paper for school, you have a set deadline. You have a point at which you need to hand in the paper no matter what state it's in, and that's how you decide that it's finished. But when you're working independently, when you don't have that set deadline, you can literally just keep editing and editing forever and never decide that it's completed. There is no maximum score. There is no deadline. It's entirely up to me when to stop. I have to pick a point to stop.

I'm picking now to stop because I know I'm there, I know I'm ready. It's hard to stop, but I realize that if I'm going to be a self-employed writer, I'm going to have to make that call. I don't have a due date. There is no such thing as a perfect score. It's entirely up to me. When you're the writer, you make that call. I'm going to have to keep making that call on everything I write, for my entire life. This is only the beginning.

Sunday, March 12, 2017


Here's the thing - I was unprepared for A LOT of my earliest job interviews. My cover letter was too generic-sounding. I didn't even own a business suit when I first started applying for jobs, and I had to run out and get one at the last minute. I totally blew my first post-grad interview because I didn't know how to answer any of the questions and I ended up saying "Maybe" and "I don't know" to a lot of questions. I interviewed at several companies in a particular industry before I reached the conclusion that I didn't even want to work for that type of company and I had to start my job search over from scratch. When I finally got a job, I had practically nothing in my closet that was work-appropriate. If I had gotten the job in the winter, it would have been less of an issue because most of my fun sweaters can double as work sweaters, but I got the job in the summer, and none of my fun summer clothes are things you can wear to an office. I literally did not have enough work clothes to go to work for a whole week. Luckily My mom let me dig through her closet and wear a bunch of her hand-me-downs. For the first few weeks at the new job, I had to wear pants that were too tight before I had a chance to buy new ones. The first time I went shopping for work clothes on my own, I ended up buying these blouses that required ironing or else they looked horrible, and I never iron my clothes. I had to adjust my sleep schedule by five hours because I was used to staying up late and waking up at noon, and now I had to get up at seven. Totally unprepared.

Looking back on it, I could have made my own life easier if I had prepared more for my interviews. I could have bought a business suit before I got any interviews. I could have gone online and researched what kinds of answers employers were looking for. I could have done more mock-interviews with my mom who has hired a bunch of people. I could have gone shopping and made sure I had black pants that fit comfortably and at least one week's worth of work shirts.

But the point here is, I applied for jobs before I was prepared because I needed a job. I didn't say to myself, okay, first you need to practice interviewing, then you need to get your wardrobe ready to have a job, then you need to do this, that, and the other thing to make sure you're ready. I didn't have time for that. I need a job, so I started applying for jobs. And maybe I should have taken more time to prepare, maybe that would have gotten me a job earlier and been a lot less stressful. But I needed a job, so I just dove straight in.

I don't know why I'm so scared to dive right in this time, when it comes to submitting my book. I keep thinking about every little thing that I could possibly need to prepare first. I know it's different this time because the stakes are higher, because I really don't care about any of those job interviews that I might have blown because I wasn't prepared, but I DO care about getting my book published and there is no way that I want to blow it because I'm not prepared.

But I am prepared. I am so much more prepared to meet with publishers than I have ever been for a regular job interview. I have the "right" interview clothes. I'm on a more "normal" sleep schedule so interview times shouldn't be an issue. And most importantly, I know how to speak intelligently about my book! I know because I've been doing it since I started.

I dove into job-hunting without being prepared because I didn't have time to stop and prepare. This time around, I am prepared. I am so much more prepared than I ever was. There's nothing to wait for. There's nothing left to do to get ready. I am ready.

I'm Ready as I'll Ever Be

Last week, I got to attend a webinar at work, hosted by the Women's Forum at my workplace. The speaker talked about discrimination issues in the workplace, and she specifically mentioned that study where a lot of women will look at a job posting where they have 8 out of the 10 qualifications and not apply for it because they think they're unqualified, while a lot of men will only have 3 out of the 10 qualifications and will go ahead and apply and assume they're going to the get the job. (This research is problematic because it ignores non-binary people).

I had already read about this a while back, but as the speaker said it, I couldn't help wondering if that's what I've been doing with the validation book. I keep saying that I need to edit more, I need to fix a few things, but really, this book was at a publishable quality last June. Then I perfected it even further and had it ready by the beginning of September. But it was ready then. I don't know why I'm still holding onto it and thinking I need to keep editing and editing before I can send it to a publisher. It was ready to be sent to a publisher last September!

Now, I got the news about my grandma in September and a lot of bad things have happened since then, so it's totally fine that I wasn't up for dealing with my book during that time. And it's totally legit if I'm still not up for dealing with it now (which I haven't quite figured out yet, I need to wait till I'm fully not-sick to see if I'm ready). But my point is, if I acknowledge that the book is ready to go but I don't feel well enough to deal with it at the moment, that's one thing. That's fine. But it's this business of having to re-edit it over and over again, to keep thinking that it's not ready when it was clearly ready six months ago, that's the problem. I think I'm doing that thing of saying, "Well, I only have 9.5 out of the 10 qualifications, so I'm not gonna do anything until I have the full 10."

I know my book is ready. I know my book is good enough. Multiple people have told me that the quality is better than many published self-help books that they've read. I talked to Eli about all of this, and they told me that I'm definitely saying "I only have 9.5 out of the 10 qualifications," that they would have said, "My book is awesome!" and submitted it much, much earlier if it were their book. I don't normally consider myself to be a perfectionist, but I think I am being too much of a perfectionist about my book. I think I'm scared to share it with publishers. It feels like my baby and I keep feeling like I'm not ready. I'm scared of it getting rejected. I'm scared of it not selling even when it does get published. And I'm scared of how my life is going to change if it does get really successful.

But I realize that I'm not going to become any more "ready" to publish the book than I am right now. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. It's time to research the process for submitting a book, find potential publishers or agents, write my pitch letter, and hit "send."

Monday, March 6, 2017

Guess What? You Were Wrong!

Everyone always thought that I was a goody-good-girl because I went such a long time not having any interest in guys, not even fantasy crushes on celebrities or anything. But the real reason for that was because I never actually liked guys, I liked girls all along!!!! When I finally started getting into guys it was something I sort of pushed on myself to be cool, and the first time I developed serious crushes on guys was after we did physical touching stuff that got me excited. I kept all my girl crushes and fantasies to myself and I didn't even understand that they were crushes because I didn't see my feelings reflected anywhere in books or TV shows or movies, it was all about girls liking guys and I couldn't relate so I thought I was a late bloomer, I thought I had no romantic feelings whatsoever because I didn't have them towards guys, I didn't know what was wrong with me while meanwhile I didn't know what was up with all the weird fantasies I had about girls. 

Sunday, March 5, 2017


I am NOT a resilient person and I will not accept anyone pushing me to have that quality. Ever.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Why I Don't Want a Wedding Ring

Note: I absolutely do not mean this as any kind of an argument against wedding rings, there is nothing at all wrong with wanting one. This is on my mind because my ex had a problem with me not wanting a wedding ring if we had gotten married, so I wanted to explain once and for all why I don't want one:

1. I don't personally care about diamonds, or any real gemstones. I love jewelry, but for me, jewelry is purely a fashion statement, I don't care one way or another if a stone is "real" or not, I only care about how it looks. And I'm not that into stones like diamonds anyway because they're boring - I prefer blown-glass earrings and earrings that are shaped like fun things. Even if I could afford to shop in fancy jewelry stores, I wouldn't because those styles do not appeal to me, I prefer to shop for jewelry at card stores and resort areas and street fairs. Aside from the earrings that I got my ears pierced with, I think the most I've ever spent on a pair of earrings was like $30, and I have a lot of earrings that I love. I would just feel kind of silly spending so much money (or asking someone else to spend the money) on something that isn't even my style.

2. I wouldn't wear the ring every day, or even most days. In general, I'm not willing to wear something that isn't my style and doesn't go with my outfit that day just because it means something to me. Like, I'd probably do that for a little while, but I eventually stop and want to wear something else instead. I've gone through lots of phases of having jewelry that meant a lot to me that I wore every day, then I'd find something else and that would be the new thing I wore every day. The fact that it was my wedding ring would not change that.

For my eight grade graduation, my parents got me a ring with my birthstone. It was a really nice ring, it was really special because it was from my parents and for my graduation. I wore the ring a lot (but not every single day) for about a year, and I would tell people that it was a special gift from my parents. After my first year of high school, I started wearing it less frequently. My second year of high school, I got my class ring, which meant a lot to me because I loved my high school, and it was more current than my eight grade graduation ring. I wore my class ring a lot. Sometimes I would wear both rings together, but eventually, I didn't wear the graduation ring much anymore and only wore my class ring. After I left high school, I don't think I wore either of them again. Mt graduation ring is still special to me because it was from my parents, but it's not something that I wear anymore.

For my high school graduation, my parents got me my first Ipod. I used that Ipod every single day for seven and a half years. I wore it into the ground until it had practically no battery life and wouldn't last a long car ride without being plugged in. What I learned from this experience is that, while I am very grateful for that graduation ring, if someone is going to spend a lot of money on me, I would prefer that they spend it on something that I will get a lot of use out of.

I just wouldn't wear a wedding ring every day, I would probably only wear it sometimes, but I would feel like I was *expected* to wear it every day if someone spent so much money on it, and because it's a tradition.

3. Part of the reason I would not wear a wedding ring everyday is that being married to someone is not the most important thing to me. It would be important, but I don't think I'd be okay with wearing a ring to show the world I was married while not wearing anything to show the world anything else about me. I mean, I wouldn't be wearing an item of jewelry from every person I care deeply about, so the wedding ring would automatically put my spouse above everyone else, and I don't want to do that. Other people would not be less important to me just because I was married. And I also would not be wearing a piece of jewelry that says that I'm a writer, or anything else about me, so symbolically, that puts being married above those things. Being married would only be one fact about me, it would not be more important than being a writer or a beach-partier or anything else that I am. Heck, I actually have a customized necklace that says "Untamable Spirit" and I don't even wear that every day! So to wear my wedding ring every day would symbolize that being married was the most important thing to me (or the most important thing to inform other people about), which it would not be.

So that's why I don't want a wedding ring, and I would not marry someone who was going to push that on me because of tradition.

Something I Wish More People Understood

Have you ever woken up to find that your car won't start because you left the lights on all night and it drained the battery? And it may seem strange. It may seem like the lights should have a separate battery, the only the lights should burn out but the rest of the car should be fine. But it doesn't work that way. The car only has one battery, and if you leave something on when the motor is off, when the gasoline isn't replenishing the car, the entire battery will die.

I am one person. I have one battery. I don't have separate batteries for each thing I do. Anytime I spend energy on something, that energy is gone. It's not there for me to use on anything else. I can't do anything else until I've had plenty of time to replenish, the same way you can't drive anywhere unless you put gas in the car. No matter how small of a thing you think I'm doing, remember that it's costing me energy, the same way that leaving on that tiny little light inside the car will drain the entire battery. I only have one battery.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Setting the Bar

I don't find it particularly worthwhile to just sit and stare at a metal bar all day. Maybe some people are into that sorta thing, but it's just not for me. If someone told me to keep staring at the metal bar because if I did, I'd get to see something happen, I would look for a little while, but I would eventually get bored and decide to do something else with my time.

When you set the bar really high for me - that is, you have high expectations of me when I have not consented to meeting those expectations (like, expecting me to behave like a responsible adult and be functional and unentitled and polite and all that) - I am NOT going to ever meet those expectations, I will never rise to the challenge. What I will do is walk away entirely. If you set that bar, I will walk away and you will never see me reach it because I will refuse.

So if you like to set those kinds of sky-high expectations of non-consenting people such as myself, I hope you enjoy staring at metal bars all day long with no one reaching them or climbing them or anything, because that is what you will be left doing when I walk away from the high bar that you have set for me. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Never Stray (My Version of Break Away)

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
We’d just go make our own fun
Running through the rainstorm
Or pillow forts to keep warm
Play all day

If I ever freaked out
I knew I could reach out
Knew my friends would all hear me
In your arms I’m strong here
I know I belong here
Every day
So I’ll never stray

I'll spread my wings and continue to fly
Safe on your shoulders I just reach the sky
And I'll grab your hand
Hold you close
Hold on tight
And always stay
May travel away for a day just for fun
But always come home to the ones that I love
And I'll grab your hand
Hold you close
Hold on tight
And never stray

Running through the warm breeze
Climbing up a tall tree
Water fights in the ocean
Sledding down a fast hill
Praying this will last till
All our days.
I’ll always stay

I'll spread my wings and continue to fly
Safe on your shoulders I just reach the sky
And I'll grab your hand
Hold you close
Hold on tight
And always stay
May travel away for a day just for fun
But always come home to the ones that I love
And I'll grab your hand
Hold you close
Hold on tight
And never stray

This is where I belong
Don’t you try to say I’m wrong
I know I never wanna leave here
You can keep moving on, moving on
But I’ll stay, never stray

I'll spread my wings and continue to fly
Don’t think for a second I’d tell you goodbye
And I'll grab your hand
Hold you close
Hold on tight
And always stay
No matter how far for a day I may run
I’ll always be home in the place I come from
And I'll grab your hand
Hold you close
Hold on tight

And always stay
Never stray
Never stray

Monday, February 20, 2017

Accepting Apologies

Something I want to work on this year is actually saying "I accept your apology" or something along those lines. I've never said that before - I've always just said, "That's okay" in response to people apologizing, but I don't want to say that stuff is okay when it was truly not okay. I've always said it, I've never known any other way of accepting an apology, so this year I really really want to practice just saying "I accept your apology." Or maybe that's too formal-sounding. I once heard someone say "Thank you for apologizing," so maybe some form of thanking the person for apologizing would sound less formal. I don't want to sound formal or polite or like I'm giving a scripted response, I just want to say something other than "it's okay" in cases where the action was not okay.

On Not Growing Up

Whenever people tell someone else to "Grow up," they seem to mean one of these three things:

1. Stop doing what you want and start doing what you're supposed to.
2. Stop reacting to this thing the way that you are reacting.
3. Accept this thing that is not acceptable to you.

If you've heard other meanings, feel free to add to this list, because I haven't.

I have no intention of doing any of the things listed above, therefore, I will never grow up.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

30 TV Show Challenge in One Day

1. A Show that Should Have Never Been Cancelled: Ghostwriter! That was one of the coolest shows ever and it got cancelled when I was little and was just getting into it. Ghostwriter is a mystery show for younger kids, but I was slightly too young for it when it was on - I liked it some of the time, but there were parts that were too boring to follow, too much talking, that sort of thing. I started watching it again on YouTube a few years ago, but I missed getting to see it when I was at the exact right age where the pacing would have been just right for me.

Also, it's never revealed on the show who Ghostwriter is, but we get some clues, and the kids say in the first episode that maybe they can eventually help ghostwriter figure out who he is. It was revealed in 2010 that ghostwriter used to be a slave who had escaped and was secretly teaching people how to read out in the woods. He was caught and murdered but his spirit lived on, and that's why he can read and travel from word to word. If the show had not been cancelled, I assume that at some point, they would have done an episode where the kids figured this out and it would have been amazing!

2. A Show that You Wish More People Were Watching: Wimzie's House. I've re-watched it in recent years and I am seriously impressed with how validating it is. All of the adults on the show are so validating to the children's feelings, there isn't a strong sense of hierarchy or "do this because I said so," and they go in depth to explain a lot of things. I wish kids today still had Wimzie's House.

3.Your Favorite New Show (aired this season): I really don't have one because almost all the shows I watch are older shows. Arthur and Fairly OddParents are still having new seasons, but the new seasons are not as good as the old ones. The only new shows I watch that are actually running on TV right now are Switched at Birth and The Fosters, and these are nowhere near my favorites.

4. Your Favorite Show Ever: This is a really tough call, but probably a tie between Arthur and Full House.

5. A Show You Hate: Any reality show where the whole purpose is to put people down.

6. Favorite Episode of Your Favorite TV Show: My favorite episode of Full House is "Secret Admirer." With Arthur, it's too hard to pick, there are so many.

7. Least Favorite Episode of Your Favorite TV Show: From Arthur, "DW Queen of the Comeback," basically pushing kids to turn the other cheek and ignore it when someone is teasing them, rather than fighting back. And use of a victim-blaming fairy tale. Also, I hate "Channel Chasers" from Fairly OddParents because it's all about having to grow up.

8. A Show Everyone Should Watch: I'd say either Wimzie's House or Ghostwriter. Or Sesame Street from the 1990s.

9. Best Scene Ever: It's hard to pick, but I love the scene in Fairly OddParents Abracatastrophe where Timmy reveals the existence of his fairies in order to save the world. And I also love the poetry scenes in As Told by Ginger "And She Was Gone."

10. A Show You Thought You Wouldn't Like but Ended Up Loving: Almost all the PBS kid shows from when I was little fell into this category - I never liked new shows taking the time slots of old shows, but I ended up liking a lot of the new shows once I watched them.

11. A Show that Disappointed You: Hannah Montana. I used to love Disney Channel shows, and Hannah Montana was sort of the turning point where I stopped enjoying the new ones. I expected Hannah Montana to be just as good as That's So Raven or Lizzie McGuire, and I thought I would especial love it since I was an aspiring singing star at the time as well, but it ended up feeling too showy and not as real as the other shows.

12. An Episode You've Watched More than Five Times: I think almost every episode of Arthur, Full House, As Told By Ginger, Fairly OddParents, Jimmy Neutron, and several Rugrats episodes, I've seen more than five times.

13. Favorite Childhood Show: Sesame Street and Barney.

14. Favorite Male Character: Tommy Pickles.

15. Favorite Female Character: Ginger Foutley.

16. Your Guilty Pleasure Show: I do not have guilty pleasures because I do not feel guilty about doing anything that gives me pleasure.

17. Favorite Mini Series: The only thing I can think of that was a mini series was that Fairly Oddparents used to be a mini series on Oh Yeah! Cartoons before it became a full length show, so I'll go with that.

18. Favorite Title Sequence: Sesame Street.

19. Best TV Show Cast: Full House.

20. Favorite Kiss: Ginger and Daren's first kiss.

21. Favorite Ship: Jimmy and Cindy.

22. Favorite Series Finale: As Told By Ginger, "The Wedding Frame." This was not my favorite episodes in its entirety, but I love the very end.

23. Most Annoying Character: All of Timmy Turner's friends. They are annoying because they're just so stereotyped and underdeveloped, I really don't care about Chester or AJ or Elmer or Sanjay. I normally like a character's best friends even if they are stereotyped, like I love Jimmy Neutron's friends Carl and Sheen, but Timmy's friends feel like they were just thrown together because Timmy needed to have "uncool" friends when all we really care about is Cosmo and Wanda. For that reason, I'm really only attached to Timmy's godparents and what goes on in Fairy World, and I don't particularly like the episodes that involve his friends or his real parents. Actually, I think his parents are even more annoying than his friends. They're just all over the place, I'd like them better as characters if they were just always neglectful rather than being sometimes neglectful but sometimes care. I hate the way the show alternates like that, it's like when they suddenly start caring, I don't believe it, it feels so out of character for them to actually care and help Timmy that I'm actually wishing Cosmo and Wanda would step in instead.

24. Best Quote: The poem "She Chose to Walk Alone" from As Told by Ginger.

25. A Show You Plan on Watching (Old or New): I just finished rewatching Fairly OddParents and Ghostwriter, so I'm not sure what I'll watch next.

26. OMG WTF? Season Finale: The Fosters last season finale left off with someone in a coma and someone else finding out that the driver of the car she was in was a potential murderer.

27. Best Pilot Episode: Jimmy Neutron's Pilot.

28. First TV Show Obsession: Barney

29. Current TV Show Obsession: At the moment, Fairly OddParents and Jimmy Neutron.

30. Saddest Character Death: Mr. Hooper on Sesame Street.

Never Growing Up Songs 2

And let's not forget this one...

This actually got me through the very end of the validation book and made me super motivated.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Never Growing Up (Songs)

Here are some of the first things that pop into my mind when I think of never growing up:

And yeah, I mean those things, but beneath that first layer of non-growing up, there's all of this:


My birthday party was awesome!!!! I had an awesome party with the bestest friends in the whole world!!!

This birthday feels like a new beginning a little bit. My whole apartment is transformed into something that really screams "me," and it's the first month that I've done my monthly goals and it has worked out really well so far!

I don't have any plans yet for tomorrow, so I'm thinking that I'd like to:

1. Take the time to do some more work on my apartment. I didn't do anything new to my bedroom because the party was in the living room, but I have some ideas for my bedroom as well.

2. Revisit my goals for the rest of the month. I have been feeling significantly better since I started my monthly goals (which means a lot because I haven't been feeling well since my Grandma died). I happened to start this monthly goal idea at the beginning of my birthday month, which meant that most of my goals for this month were specifically for my birthday party and everything else was on hold. I'd like to revisit everything else that's on the list and figure out what I want to focus on for the rest of the month. I think I may make a new document called "February 2017 Post-Party Goals." In fact, I think that's what I'll do every month when I have some big event that I'm focused on, just start a new list of goals for after the focus goal is over.

3. I'd like to think seriously about my party theme of "Here's to Never Growing Up" and about what not growing up really means to me. In the past, I've written contracts to myself in my journals about things that were important to me and signed them. I may want to write up a contract to myself promising that I will never grow up, and outlining specifically what that means to me, and sign it and put it on my wall. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


The reason I'm classifying writing prompts on Pinterest as "Fiction" rather than "Writing" is that I created the Fiction board for when I just need to be distracted from bad things, and I'm filling it specifically with things that help me disengage from bad things for a while. That's why lately I've been putting writing prompts in there, because I'm using them to be distracted rather than as serious writing. And that's okay. 


My apartment is COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED!!!! You would never know a 29-year-old lives here, it's all about Never Growing Up!!!!

I've got some awesome new games which I test-drove with my parents and Eli over the weekend, I've got all the games and food and everything all planned out and ready to go! I'm having a pre-party celebration with my parents on my real birthday, then it's PARTY TIME!!!!

Here's to Never Growing Up!!!!!

Monday, February 13, 2017

Something I Need to Clarify

I ONLY do things in dead silence. If you ask me for help with something, fine. But if while I'm trying to look up the thing or read something or help you in any way, you start eating in a way that makes noise or drinking in a way that makes noise or tapping your fingers on the desk or chewing gum or talking to yourself or anything whatsoever that makes noise, I WILL NOT HELP YOU. That goes for not just work related stuff too. If you wanted me to look up something on my phone or show you a picture or something and you are making noise, I will not continue doing the thing until I have quiet. I mean this seriously. I will not read without quiet. I will not THINK without quiet. I don't care how important it is. If you want me to do anything all at, you have to be COMPLETELY quiet. This has always been true but I'm finally going to start enforcing it.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

30 Day Book Challenge in One Day

1. Best Book You Read Last Year: Small Great Things.
2. A Book You've Read more than 3 Times: A Wrinkle in Time.
3. Your Favorite Series: Harry Potter.
4. Favorite Book of Your Favorite Series: Order of the Phoenix.
5. A Book that Makes You Happy: Any Harry Potter Book.
6. A Book that Makes You Sad: Nineteen Minutes.
7. A Book that Makes You Laugh: Harry Potter (lots of books have made me laugh, but I've reread Harry Potter the most so it always comes to mind.
8. Most Overrated Book: The Great Gatsby. We had to read it in school, booooorrrring!
9. A Book You Thought You Wouldn't Like but Ended Up Loving: Running out of Time. It was an assigned summer reading book so I wasn't expecting it to be good but I loved it.
10. A Book that Reminds You of Home: Any of the Babysitter's Little Sister books. My mom used to read them to me when I was little.
11. A Book You Hated: The Scarlet Letter.
12. A Book You Love but Hate at the Same Time: House Rules. I love the story itself, it's a cool mystery, but it's not a good representation of people who have Asperger's, which is what it was trying to be, so I don't like it for that reason.
13. Your favorite writer: J. K. Rowling!!!
14. A Book turned Movie and Completely Desecrated: My Sister's Keeper. It's not that the whole movie was bad, but the ending of the movie was completely different. The book had this brilliant, perfectly poetic ending, and the movie totally ruined that. Also, The Cat in the Hat movie I thought was desecrated. It felt like Mike Myers was just doing his own stand up comedy routine and not even acting like The Cat in the Hat. I felt the same way about Jim Carrey as The Grinch. I like the simplicity of the original Dr. Seuss books, and I'm thinking that maybe they just weren't all meant to be full-length movies that require the screenwriters to add so many things.
15. Your Favorite Male Character: Harry Potter
16. Your Favorite Female Character: Matilda, Harriet the Spy, and Karen Brewer.
17. Favorite Quote from Your Favorite Book: "Of course it is all happening inside your head, harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
18. A Book that Disappointed You: Fifty Shade of Grey. I wasn't expecting it to be amazing or anything, and I didn't even expect it to be wonderful about consent - but I expected Ana to at least express some sort of interest in what they were doing. I mean, I imagined that it might be coercive in the beginning, but my expectation was that Ana would discover that she was deeply into it. But she never expresses enjoyment and her character is so undeveloped, I feel like I'm reading about a blank piece of paper (like Bella from Twilight), and Christian keeps throwing the word "consent" around while not practicing it at all, kind of like tossing a soccer ball around with your hands and saying that you are playing soccer - people who don't understand soccer will think that soccer is played that way, people who don't understand about consent will think that consent works this way. And of course a super-contrived backstory about why Christian is so troubled because of course no one could ever just be *interested* in what the book is about, oh no, you have to either be doing it because you have issues or be coerced into it.
19. Favorite Book turned into a Movie: Matilda. This is one of the few movies where I actually like the extra stuff they added that wasn't in the book.
20. Favorite Romance Book: I don't really have one, I haven't liked most of the romance books I've read.
21. The First Novel you remember reading: It might have been a Ramona Book, either Ramona the Pest, or Ramona Quimby, age 8.
22. A Book that Makes You Cry: Nineteen Minutes
23. A Book You Wanted to Read for a Long Time and Still Haven't: Les Miserables.
24. A Book that You Wish More People Would Have Read: Blink
25. A Character Who You Can Relate to the Most: Harriet the Spy.
26. A Book that Changed Your Opinion about Something: Outliers.
27. The Most Surprising Plot Twist or Ending: The ending of Half-Blood Prince - I won't give the details just in case.
28. Favorite Title of a Book: Handle with Care. I love the double meaning - the book is about a girl who has OI and literally needs to handled with care, we think that's what the title is referring to, but by the end, you realize it means so much more than that, because everything should be handled with care.
29. A Book that Everyone Hated but You Liked: I can't think of anything that other people really hated, but a lot of books that I love, other people have outgrown - Babysitter's Club, Judy Blume books, the Ramona series, Amelia's Notebooks.
30. Your Favorite Book of all Time: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Friday, February 10, 2017

30 Day Movie Challenge in One Day

30 Day movie challenge from Pinterest. Leave your answers in the comments if you want to!

1. Your Favorite Movie: Inside Out. I never had one favorite movie before that.
2. The Last Movie You Watched: Abracatastrophe from Fairly OddParents.
3. Your Favorite Action/Adventure Movie: All of the Harry Potter Movies (although the books are better of course).
4. Your Favorite Horror Movie: I don't really like horror movies, so I'll say my favorite scary movie is Coraline.
5. Your Favorite Drama Movie: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
6. Your Favorite Comedy Movie: I like a lot of these, I guess I'll say Matilda, I think that's classified as a comedy.
7. A Movie that Makes You Happy: The Babysitter's Club Movie.
8. A Movie that Makes You Sad: Mary and Max.
9. A Movie that You Practically Know the Whole Script of: Most of my favorite movies are like this, but I'll say Inside Out.
10. Your Favorite Director: I don't really know directors.
11. Your Favorite Movie from Your Childhood: Cinderella. I was obsessed with that movie for the longest time.
12. Your Favorite Animated Movie: After Inside Out, I'd say Monsters, Inc or Finding Nemo.
13. A Movie that You Used to Love but Now Hate: I can't think of any like this, so I'll go with one that I used to love and now don't like, and that would be A Troll in Central Park. It's not that I hate it now, I just find it boring. It's not one of those kids movies that I still love now that I'm older.
14. Your Favorite Quote from Any Movie: "Do what you love and fuck the rest." Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine.
15. The First Movie You Saw in Theaters: I don't remember, it was probably a Disney movie, I'm guessing Aladdin based on the year that it came out.
16. The Last Movie You Saw in Theaters: I'm drawing a blank here, but it may have been either Finding Dori or The BFG.
17. The Best Movie You Saw During the Last Year: Zootopia.
18. The Movie that Disappointed You the Most: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. This movie came out in high school, when I was super focused on theatre and planning to be a big Broadway Star just like the protagonist of this movie. I waited so long for this movie to come out because I expected it to be all about this girl struggling to become a star, but instead it was just a typical high school story with a best friend and a crush and a mean girl and the main plot is that they're trying to sneak into some concert, it's not even about this girl's acting career. I was very disappointed because I was hoping to see a movie focused on acting, just like a sports movie.
19. Your Favorite Actor: I don't really have one. I have a crush on Daniel Radcliffe, but he's not my favorite actor in terms of acting ability, so I'm not sure.
20. Your Favorite Actress: I don't have one in particular. I guess I like Emma Thompson and Cameron Diaz.
21. The Most Overrated Movie: The Avengers or Dark Night. I don't like action movies and I was bored through both of these movies, but I remember there being a big a hype about them.
22. The Most Underrated Movie: Pixel Perfect. It's a Disney Channel movie I've always loved, but it was never very popular because it didn't rerun many times on Disney Channel.
23. Your Favorite Character from Any Movie: Harriet the Spy.
24. Favorite Documentary: Bowling for Columbine
25. A Movie that No One Would Expect You to Love: Remember the Titans, because it's a sports movie.
26. A Movie that is a Guilty Pleasure: Again, I do not have guilty pleasures because I do not feel guilty about doing anything that gives me pleasure. Seriously!
27. Favorite Classic Movie: I don't know how old something has to be to be "classic." I think of Mean Girls and Love Actually as "classic" but I know they're not really old enough. I guess I'll say Monkey Business, which is an old Marx Brothers movie.
28. Movie with the Best Soundtrack: The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It was never one of my favorite Disney movies, but I always loved the music. I also love the music from Tarzan.
29. A Movie that Changed Your Opinion about Something: Sicko (the documentary on health care).
30. Your Least Favorite Movie: Any of those superhero action movies that I got stuck seeing with my ex.

30 Day Song Challenge in One Day

I just wanna be distracted right now. I found this challenge on Pinterest so I'm gonna do it all in one day. Post your answers in the comments if you want to, I'd love to see other people's answers!

1. Your Favorite Song: I have a lot of favorite songs, but if I had to pick my top favorite at this moment, "Naughty" from Matilda.
2. You Least Favorite Song: I've never really had one least favorite song, but the first one that pops into my head that I hate is "Blurred Lines" because it basically says that it's okay to rape people.
3. A Song that Makes You Happy: I'd have to say "Naughty" from Matilda again. A lot of songs make me happy, but in the past three years, that one has done the best job of it.
4. A Song that Makes You Sad: "San Francisco" by Vanessa Carlton - the song itself isn't sad, but I have really deep associations of it during the loneliest time at college, so it always makes me cringe.
5. A Song that Reminds You of Someone: "You're Where I Belong" By Trisha Yearwood (end credits of Stuart Little). This song reminds me of a teacher whom I had a huge crush on. I made her a mix tape (yes, an actual tape, this was 2003) with this song on it.
6. A Song that Reminds You of Somewhere: "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton - reminds me the beach where we went on beach week - the song is literally my beach week story, word for word. It's scary how accurate it is.
7. A Song that Reminds You of a Certain Event: The last question sort of covers this as well, but another song is "The One" by the Backstreet Boys reminds me of my first play, Oz, in 6th grade. That was one of my happiest memories, and I listened to this song (and the whole Backstreet Boys CD) a lot during that time, so it take me back there instantly.
8. A Song that You Know All the Words to: I can't pick just one for this - I know all the words to almost every song that I actually listen to. I guess I'll say, "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables because I've performed it multiple times.
9. A Song that You Can Dance to: "Time" by Chantal Kreviazuk. This isn't a dance party song, it's the type of dance that I'd like to choreograph a jazz-lyrical style dance for. This song was always a choreographing possibility back when I was doing that, but I ran out of semesters and didn't get to do this one. I have a cool dance mapped out where have of the dancers are people and the other half are time itself, and the ones who are time are dancing much faster and keep pushing the people and spinning them around. I have a perfect vision of the dance, but I didn't choose it to choreograph at college because it's really important to have an even number of dancers so that everyone has a partner, and people tended to quit in the middle of the semester a lot.
10. A Song that Makes you Fall Asleep: Most songs in general don't make me fall asleep (only silence works), but the one exception is "Fields of Gold" by Eva Cassidy. I used this song a lot to fall asleep in my first year of college. I don't know if it would still have that effect.
11. A Song from your Favorite Band - I don't really have a favorite band, I tend to have favorite singers. I'll go with "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. I love the fact that it's all about the other person hurting you, no personal responsibility or anything.
12. A Song from a Band you Hate: "Sorry" by Justin Bieber. They play that song all the time at the trampoline park and it's pretty annoying.
13.  A Song that is a Guilty Pleasure: I don't have guilty pleasures because I don't feel guilty about doing anything that gives me pleasure. But I actually do have an answer in this case (I have never had a "guilty pleasure" feeling about a song before - this is the first time ever). "Firework" by Katy Perry. I actually love the song. It makes me feel really good inside. But I hate how it perpetuates the idea that everyone can just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and be a freaking firework while saying nothing about the people and systems that prevent a lot of people from doing that. The thing is, I don't have "guilty pleasures," I don't feel guilty liking the song, just kinda weird. I listen to a lot of music that I don't fully agree with and it doesn't bother me, but I think the reason "Firework" feels weird is that I actually thought about that song a lot as I was writing the validation book. One of the really powerful sections towards the end of the book, I got a lot of inspiration from analyzing what's wrong with "Firework." I even referred to the song in my earliest draft, but decided against the culture reference that everyone won't know. So that's why it feels a little weird when I listen to the song - because it makes me feel good even though I wrote a whole section of my book about why it's wrong.
14. A Song that No One Would Expect You to Love: This one's hard because I don't really know what other people normally assume about my music tastes. I'll say "Let it Go" from Frozen because if you just hear the song without any context, it sounds like it's telling someone to let it go as in don't get upset about something, which is the opposite of what I like, but within the context, it's actually about letting your feelings and power and whatever is locked up inside go, totally encouraging 100-page blog posts and stuff like that.
15. A Song that Describes You: I could use the blog title song, but I'm gonna use that one later, so I'll say "2 AM" by Anna Nalick, just the last verse where she sings about writing the song.
16. A Song that You Used to Love but Now Hate: Offhand, I can't think of any song I used to love but now I hate, so I'm gonna to just use a song that I used to like and now I don't like, "Wake Me up When September Ends" by Green Day. It's not that I hate it now, it's just that when I first heard the song, I didn't know that it was about anything specific. It seemed very general, like the kind of song that anyone can apply to their own situation, big or small. I first heard it at the start of my last year of high school, when I was feeling bogged down with school and college apps and I felt empty inside because there wasn't enough time to spend with my friends and I could see that time running out - and I liked the song because I thought I could relate to it. But ever since I saw the music video, I haven't like the song as much anymore. I mean, there's nothing wrong with having a song specifically about someone who joins the military, but once I saw that it was meant to be about something very specific that was way more serious that what I was thinking of when I heard it, I could just never go back to listening to it in the same way.
17. A Song that You Often Hear on the Radio: I don't really listen to the radio except around Christmas time, so I'll say, "It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas."
18. A Song that You Wish You Heard on the Radio: "Someday at Christmas" by Stevie Wonder. One of my favorite Christmas songs but it rarely plays on the radio at Christmas.
19. A Song from Your Favorite Album: Matilda is my favorite CD at the moment, so "When I Grow Up."
20. A Song that You Listen to When You're Angry: "Wake Me Up Inside" by Evanescence.
21. A Song that You Listen to When You're Happy: Right now, "You'll Be in my Heart" from Tarzan. I have lots of good associations with it.
22. A Song that You Listen to When You're Sad: "State of Mind" by Merril Bainbridge.
23. A Song that You Want to Play at Your Wedding: This really depends on my specific relationship with the other person. Right now, the song that comes to mind is "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts, this was what I always pictured singing to my old boyfriend if we got married, but it would really depend on my relationship with the new person.
24. A Song that You Want to Play at Your Funeral: "Make Your Own Kind of Music."
25. A Song that Makes you Laugh: "Mamma Says" from Footloose.
26. A Song that You Can Play on an Instrument: Right now I only know "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and "Ode to Joy" on the piano.
27. A Song You Wish You Could Play: I'm planning to learn guitar, and one of the first songs I'd like to learn to play is "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman.
28. A Song that Makes You Feel Guilty: My college's alma mater. I don't know why guilt specifically, but it brings up a gazillion different bad feelings and one of them is guilt.
29. A Song from Your Childhood: "Little Things" by Joe Raposo, Sesame Street.
30. Your Favorite Song at this Time Last Year: Same as my first answer. I think "Naughty" has been my favorite song since I discovered it in 2013.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

I Want You to Fail

[Content: Violence aimed at marginalized people]

Something I need to explain once and for all to people who are calling us sore losers for fighting against the Trump presidency, as if we just can't handle that Clinton or Sanders didn't win, and people who think it's bad to want Trump to fail:

There is a such a thing as being a sore loser. If I were on a sports team, for instance, and a teammate and I both wanted to be picked as team captain, and when they won, I hoped that they would fail at being team captain just so that everyone would know I would have made a better one - that would make me a sore loser. 

But if my teammate who wanted to be team captain told me that they secretly hated a person on the team, and they had a plan to get the rest of the team to also hate this person and take them out to the woods and beat them up - I would want them to fail at that plan, I would do everything I could to stop that plan, and that would not make me a sore loser, it would make me someone who is not going to stand for my teammate getting beaten up. It's not about wanting the captain to fail because I dislike them as a person, or because I want to prove that I would be a better captain - it's about not allowing the injustice to happen. 

And I don't care who the person is - whether it's someone I admire or my best friend - if you tell me you have a plan to harm a bunch of people, I would want you to fail at that plan.

So, where Trump is concerned:

If you're going to ban Syrian refugees from entering the country when they are in a war zone and need a place to go, I want you to fail.

If you're going to ban Muslim people from traveling and reentering the country, and accuse all Muslim immigrants of being terrorists, I want you to fail.

If you're going to allow the police to continue targeting and killing Black people, I want you to fail.

If you're going to deport undocumented immigrants and separate people from their families and their homes, I want you to fail.

If you're going to build a wall to not allow Mexican immigrants into the country, I want you to fail.

If you're going to cut off health care to millions of people, I want you to fail.

If you're going to prevent access to safe abortions, I want you to fail.

If you're going to overturn protection for LGBTQ people, so it becomes acceptable to hire and fire people on the basis of their sexual orientation or gender identity, I want you to fail.

If you're going to perpetuate rape culture from a leadership position and normalize the idea that men are entitled to women's bodies, I want you to fail.

If you're going to cut funding for public schools, food stamps, welfare, and any other service that people need, I want you to fail.

If you're going to not raise the minimum wage and not help people get out of poverty, I want you to fail.

This is not a case of wanting Trump to fail simply to prove that Bernie Sanders would have done better. What Trump is doing is NOT OKAY and I want him to fail at it.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Why Are You Afraid of Rainbows?

So, in the past few years, I've come across several Postsecrets and Whisper confessions of people saying that they totally support LGBTQ people, but they wish that we hadn't claimed the rainbow as our flag, now they feel like they can never wear rainbows anymore. But my question is, if you truly support LGBTQ people, then why do you feel like you can't wear rainbows anymore?

Pink has been my favorite color for a long time. When I learned that it was the color for breast cancer awareness, I had pretty much no reaction. It never occurred to me to worry that other people might think I'm wearing pink for breast cancer awareness when I'm wearing it just because I like it. I mean, why is that a thing to worry about? Like, if some hate group started using pink as their signature color, then I'd be upset. Then I'd feel like I couldn't wear pink anymore because other people might associate me with the group. But I don't have that sense of "Oh no! I don't want people to think I support people with breast cancer!" because I do support people with breast cancer. I mean, I have not done any activism related to breast cancer specifically (I've done Relay for Life, but that is for all types of cancer), but of course I think cancer awareness matters and I support people who have cancer, so it would not upset me for someone think that about me. And in all honesty, a lot of people love pink, it never occurred to me that everyone would assume I was wearing pink to support breast cancer unless I was specifically at an event about that issue.

Like the color pink, I have loved rainbows for my entire life as well. Rainbows were my favorite when I was little. I used to write poems and songs about rainbows all the time. When I was 7, I wrote a musical where the protagonist was a "rainbow scientist" who studied the magical properties of rainbows, and the plot was that she had to make a rainbow in order to break an evil spell. I used the rainbow song from Barney as the finale to the musical (the one that goes, "Oh I like red, it's the color of an apple...") and I still get chills down my spine when I hear that song. So yeah, I've always loved rainbows. And when I learned that the LGBTQ flag was a rainbow, (and this was before I had acknowledge to myself that I liked girls), my reaction was, "Oh, cool! I like rainbows!" The idea that I couldn't wear rainbow patterns anymore just for myself did not occur to me, the same way that it didn't occur to me about the color pink.

So my question is, if you really support LGBTQ people, then why does it bother you to wear rainbows just because you like rainbows? Why does it bother you that someone might think you are supporting people whom you do in fact support? 

Goals List and Progress

My idea of having the goals list has worked out really well so far!

It's only the beginning of February, and so far I've done three things on my goals list! Those things were finishing the February coloring calendar, printing some memes as party decorations, and writing a new quiz for my quiz book. Having the list is really satisfying, just like it was when I was younger. I know I would have still finished the calendar, but I'm not sure if I would have accomplished the other two things if I hadn't written them down.

The list has been helpful because in times when I'm feeling bad, I tend to forget about what will make me feel better, and I end up doing things that make me feel worse. The list has been helpful because the other day I was staring at my walls thinking that I wanted more party decorations but I couldn't think of what, and then my list reminded me of all the other decorations I wanted to make!

I've also decided to label items on the list. I'm using "BB" to stand for "Back Burner," as in something that I'd like to do at some point, but I'm not especially interested in doing it right now, so I probably won't get to it this month. That way I don't feel pressured to get it done within any specific time frame, but it's still on my list so I'll remember it in case I'm looking for something to do. I'm also going to use "NM" to mean "Next Month" for things that I may want to push off to next month, but not push off indefinitely like the back burner items. Right now I have several projects that I am pushing off until after my birthday party is over, and I've labeled them Next Month so I don't feel any pressure to do them now.

I'm hoping that this list system can continue, it seems to be working well so far and making me feel better.

Harry Potter Thing

It really bothers me that in the 7th book, when the trio is on the run, they never ever do any kind of personal, distracting, self-care activities like reading a book or listening to music or anything personal like that. They never take a break from being focused on the fight. I know at the start of the book they celebrate Harry's birthday and go to Bill and Fleur's wedding, which is good, and at a certain point, they are constantly on the run and fighting so there would be no chance to sit and read a book or anything like that, but I'm talking about the in-between time, when they're staying in the tent out in the woods. I thought the part with them staying out in the woods went on way too long and I would have liked the story to cut to the action much quicker, but if we're going to see them spend so much time hiding out, then I would have appreciated seeing them do self-care things like reading or listening to music or something like that. Ron listens to the radio constantly but again it's only to hear the news and make sure none of his family has died. I would have liked to see that kind of self-care portrayed as a normal, acceptable way to respond when horrible things are happening, and not have it feel like you have to be 100 percent focused on fighting all the time.

The Problem with "Blue Lives Matter"

And about "Blue Lives Matter:"

Video on Black Lives Matter

Please watch this video on 4 myths about Black Lives Matter:

Stop Misquoting Martin Luther King Jr.

A lot of people have been taking Martin Luther King Jr.'s quotes about nonviolence out of context. Please read about what MLK actually says about riots:

Friday, February 3, 2017

J. K. Rowling Gets It

[Harry Potter Spoilers]

J. K. Rowling has said in several interviews that she had known from the start who would die by the end, but there was one character that she changed her mind about, and she killed off a different character instead. The character she changed her mind about killing was Arthur Weasley. He was originally supposed to die when Nagini attacked him in the Ministry, but instead he survived the attack. J. K. Rowling has said that she couldn't bare to part with Arthur Weasley because he's one of the only good father figures in the books, but she also has said that she couldn't do what she would have had to do to Ron if she killed off his dad. Ron would have been completely different from then on, obviously not as funny or lighthearted, the whole tone of the books would have been different if Ron had changed in that way. She knew that she needed Ron to stay Ron, and that was part of why she decided not to kill off Arthur Weasley.

She could have cheated. I mean, she literally has complete control over the characters and everything they do, she could have killed off Arthur Weasley and had Ron not be as broken and damaged inside as he actually would be, and have him still be the lighthearted and funny one in the trio. But she didn't. It did not occur to her to cheat. It was just a non-negotiable fact that if Ron's dad died, Ron would not be the same person again, and if that was going to be a problem, then she had better not kill his dad.

She gets it.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Birthday Party List

Date: Saturday, Feb 18, 2017 (Snow date on Sunday, but only if there is a huge blizzard)
Time: 1:00 PM till Late
Theme: Here's to Never Growing Up!

-Game of Things
-Apples to Apples
-What's Yours Like
-Others: I want to only do games at the party that are the social interactive type where we get to be creative make up our answers, so things like the ones I listed as opposed to games like Sumuko or Tapple or Catch Phrase. I realized I only have three games that are this type (Telestrations works too, but one of my friends isn't able to play that game), so I'm gonna browse online and in stores and see if I can find more of these types of games before the party. I'm looking for something very specific that can be played with a very small group and doesn't involve writing or drawing by hand (or that part can be adjusted) and has this specific type of interactive-ness. I have a couple games in mind already, so I'll see where I can find them!

-Print more memes. I tried printing my Eeyore meme at Staples for my desk and it came out really nice! I have some other memes and webcomics that would look really nice on my walls and fit my party theme perfectly, so I'm gonna get a bunch more of those!
-Finish my "Unschooler at Heart" banner and make some more things like that. I kind of rushed on making lots of signs for the New Year's Eve Party, and I want to make more decorations that convey the same message but also look nice enough to be permanent decorations on my walls.
-Print a few of my documents, specifically my priority list and my conditions of a central focus list. These things are important to me and I'd like to have them on my walls, and they fit the theme.
-Write a new version of why I never plan to grow up and print that in color for the walls.
-Move everything around - every time I have something new to put up, I sort of just squeeze it in where there's a free space. I may want to just take everything down and rearrange it completely so that I can decide where I want the focus of the room to be. Basically, I want to do all wall decorations that not only fit the theme of the party, but also can stay on my walls as just apartment decorations. I'm in the process of redecorating right now anyway, so I'm hoping to do both at once.
-Do something new with the bathroom mirror. It's been a while since I've drawn or written on it.
-Grab all the decorations off my desk at work and bring them home. I want everyone to see my current calendar and my new art project, both of which I keep at work. I'll set a reminder for myself to take those things home on the Wednesday of that week.
-Extras go on the background space. I have lots of party decorations that I've collected over the years: stars, glittery garlands, unused party plates that I now put on the walls, etc. If I end up using these things, they will go on the background spaces, like the kitchen cabinets or in the bathroom, rather than in the main party area. I want to keep my main area focused on the theme of Here's to Never Growing Up!

-Go through all of my party-planning books and room-decorating books for more ideas, because rereading those books around my birthday always feels warm and cozy, like watching Christmas movies near Christmas.

I took the day off on my real birthday, Feb 17th, because it falls on a Friday this year, so I'll have that whole day to make my cake and prepare and my parents are gonna come over that day so they can see my decorations! I think I'm gonna take the Friday before my birthday party off every year, even if it doesn't fall on my real birthday. It makes things so much easier when I have a full day off the day before!

New Plan

So, back when I was in school, I always had a long list of things that I wanted to do over the summer. It always included some of everything:

-Places I wanted to go, like the beach and amusement parks.
-Practicing acting, singing, and dancing (these things were the focus of my life back in high school)
-writing projects for my journals
-making up jumping tricks on the trampoline
-art projects
-decorating my room
-ideas I wanted to try from American Girl Magazine, such as crafts and recipes
-books to read
-movies to watch

I never did every single thing on my list (these were very long lists), but I got through a lot of things, and it felt so good to be able to check things off that I wanted to do.

I've decided that I want to do that again - not just for summer specifically, but I want to have an ongoing list of things that I want to do, and then check them off. This used to make me feel so good in the summers, I think it would make me feel good now and help me to focus on who I want to be and what I want to do.

During the school year, I often used to keep lists in my journal that I called "Friday Lists." These were shorter lists of things that would pop into my mind that I wanted to do but didn't have time to do at the moment, so that when I did have more time on the weekend, I would remember what I wanted to do.

Now that I have more time to do things, I've sort of lost track of my goals and I often end up crashing and not doing much because I don't have that list of fun things that I want to work on. So, I've decided to start keeping a list of things I want to do. I haven't decided yet whether I want this to be just an ongoing list that I check things off of, or if I want to divide it up by months. I think months might be a better idea because I know I worked well when I felt like I had to get everything into summer that I could. And there are some goals that specifically need to be done within a certain time frame, such as making holiday gifts for people or planning my birthday party. What I'll probably do is set up a new folder in my Word files for these monthly lists, and at the end of each month, anything I haven't done but still want to do will get bumped to the next month. I think this will work better because in my journals, the lists were there permanently and I crossed out what I had done with just one line, but I could still look back and read my old goals and remember what was important to me at the time. Since my computer files are like my journal now, I'd like to do the same thing, be able to cross things out like this but still be able to read them. Or maybe I'll highlight the things I've already done. Yeah, that may work better because I love to color-code things. I'll decide. But anyway, I'm not going to post these lists on my blog because some of the things are very personal and also because I don't want to feel any sort of outside pressure of other people knowing what my goals are. But I may post some of them on occasion, since this is sort of a journal but different. But yeah, I think this will make me feel much better and help me have the kind of life that I want to have. I'm gonna start my February list today, and I'll start a separate list for birthday-party-planning.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

No, I Won't Remove the Scrunchie

[Note: This is not specifically about any of my current close friends, this is about past people and society at large.]

When I was a kid, I went to a strict K-8 school where we all had to wear uniforms, and they were really strict about jewelry and makeup as well. I was never okay with this. I always wanted to stand out and get attention and I hated looking like everyone else. I told this to everyone the whole time I was there. Then one day, towards the end of 5th grade, I decided I had had enough of blending in. One of the few things we didn't have rules about was how we could wear our hair. I had previously just worn my hair down every day with a soft headband because it was comfy that way, but now I was gonna wear wild styles every day.

The very first wild style I tried out was simply tying a scrunchie around the bow on one of my flat headbands. The bow normally laid flat on my head, so the scrunchie made it pop up, like I had a little pom-pom on top of my head. It definitely stood out. When I first wore it to school, everyone asked me why I had the scrunchie on my head. I answered, "Because it makes my headband look fancier." And every single person told me that my headband looked better before. But here's the thing - I had been wearing that headband for years, YEARS before this moment, and no one had ever complimented me on it. No one had ever commented on my hair or any of my hair accessories before I put that scrunchie in. To claim that my headband looked "better" before meant absolutely nothing to me. I knew there was no way in hell that I would suddenly start getting lots of attention for the old headband - it was just their way of getting me to take off the scrunchie.

The same thing happened throughout the rest of my years at that school - everyone kept pushing me to stop wearing the wild styles and telling me how pretty my hair looked when I wore it in a simpler way. But I had worn simple styles for SEVEN YEARS and no one ever gave me attention for them. And whenever someone complimented me on the simple styles that I still wore once in a while, it was a backhanded compliment like, "SEE! Your hair looks sooooooo pretty when you wear it just in a ponytail, you should do that all the time!"

My response to that, and to all other situations like this one, is that you had your chance. If you liked me "better" before I started doing the behavior that you didn't like, you had plenty of opportunities to give me loads of attention and validation and meet my emotional needs. But you didn't. You made a choice not to do those things, so I've made a choice as a result of your choices, and I'm not turning back. I will never EVER turn back. And no, I won't remove the scrunchie.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

For Real

I. Will. Not. Be. Positive. No. Matter. What.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Go-to Movies

Validating Movies:
Inside Out
Mary and Max
The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Depressing Movies that Help with Sinking Further:
Painful Secrets
A Secret Between Friends
The Perfect Body
Dying to Dance
Odd Girl Out

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Island Fractions

1/3 + 1/6 + 1/4 = 4/12 + 2/12 + 3/12 = 9/12 = 3/4

I am operating on a total of only 3/4 of one personality island right now.

Remember Riley without her islands? It's gonna be the same. But more so.

Thoughts on the No-Guilt Resolution for 2016

Here's what I feel like happened with my resolution to not take actions based on guilt last year:

(Note: I'm using a hypothetical example related to work, but this issue is not just about work, it exists in every area of my life).

Let's say that every single time something went wrong in my life, I took time off from work. I ended up taking lots and lots of days off, more than anyone considered "acceptable." This annoyed a lot of people. Now, I believed that I was entitled to take all of that time off. It was not something that I wanted to feel guilty about, but I ended up feeling guilty because I knew that other people disapproved of it. So as a result of that guilt, I ended up compensating for the time I took off by working extra hours on the days that I did go in. I was extra nice and accommodating to everyone, I offered to take on every project that came my way. Basically, every day that I did go to work, I went above and beyond in trying to make a good impression to offset all those days that I took off.

Imagine that this went on for several years, and when it got to be 2016, I said enough is enough. I want to feel entitled to take off all the time I need to take off, and I am making myself miserable by trying to compensate for it. I don't want to work extra hours and be extra nice and go above and beyond on the days that I do show up to work. This year, I'm going to take all the time off that I want without compensating for it out of guilt.

But 2016 turned out to be a very good year for me - I didn't have as many bad things come up, so I didn't need to take as much time off. And since I didn't take as much time off, I didn't feel the need to do those compensating behaviors that I had wanted to quit. So 8 months go by, and I'm feeling great. Life has been so much better since I've stopped working those extra hours and being extra nice and going above and beyond at work.

Then something bad happens. The first bad thing in a long time. And I need a lot of time off from work - more time than I've needed in the entire year. And as soon as I take that time off, I revert back to feeling guilty and compensating for that guilt at work.

That's why I don't feel like I can write off going to the wedding when I didn't want to as a one-time slip-up. It was more than that. It's that most of the behaviors that I've done based on guilt were compensations - things that I did to make up for non-socially approved things that I wanted to feel entitled to do, but I didn't. And I went a long time without doing those bad behaviors because nothing was wrong, but the second that something was wrong, the second that I would start behaving badly again, I started the compensating behaviors again. And that's why it doesn't feel so much like yay I lasted 267 days without acting out of guilt, it's more like I went 267 days without doing any bad behaviors that caused me to feel the need to act of guilt.


I feel like I fell off a cliff and people are expecting me to just be back up at the top and no one has bothered to consider that maybe I broke all my bones from the fall and can't physically get back up there again, so I found a way to project this hologram version of myself at the top of the cliff so everyone thinks I'm up there but I'm actually not.

Every. Single. Time.

Every time that something super bad has happened to me, this is how things go:

1. People are initially sensitive to the issue and ask me what's wrong and stuff.
2. People reach a point where THEY decide that enough if enough and they're sick of hearing me complain so they either:
   A. Defriend me.
   B. Ignore me until I start talking about happy stuff again, like cute little puppies.
   C. Send me a message yelling at me that it's not okay to be acting how I'm acting and posting the      stuff I'm posting.

I have never been through a bad experience where these three things did not happen. NEVER. In my entire life. Back before Facebook existed, my friends pulled an intervention on me in the cafeteria at school, and what they said was very similar to the messages I got back in 2014.

I've had two people defriend me since I got the news about my grandma. The second one just happened a few days ago. So they must have only liked my good circumstances instead of liking me. Or maybe they thought I was mature and would come around eventually. NEWSFLASH: I will NEVER come around. I will always be fuck the system and pro-complaining and a better Facebook warrior than anyone else you'll ever meet. (Think you could make a better FB warrior than me? I CHALLENGE YOU!)


I've decided that if I get ignored until I do happy things, I will call people out on that behavior.

If I get any kind of mean messages, I will inform the sender that writing whatever I want is a form of virtual bleeding but as a result of their criticism I will choose to actually cut my skin open and bleed for real and I will send them a graphic photo that will give them nightmares for the rest of their lives.

I mean it. I'm not stopping. Everything I do this year - every blog post, FB post, book, story, and piece of art that I produce is going to be inherently dark and that's just how things are gonna be, no cute kitties or rainbows or cotton candy or happy stories or anything like that. 

Work Stuff

No chewing gum.
No eating.
No drinking anything hot.
No drinking anything through a straw.
No drinking anything with ice.
No coughing.
No sneezing.
No stacking papers.
No stapling.
No dropping your shoes when you sit down.
No talking above a whisper.
No phones left on.

Being Proactive Gets You Nowhere!

Being proactive gets you nowhere. At all. Ever. I was proactive when I heard the news about my grandma. I made it clear to everyone that I would not be okay, that my behavior was going to change dramatically, and that no one should have any expectations that I would behave the way I used to. I told this to EVERYONE, including people I'm not even friends with and barely talk to at all. I told absolutely everyone I interact with that I would never be the same again and that I was not accepting  ANY form of criticism about my changes behavior. I even referenced the fact that I got 4 Cs and a D on my report card after my grandpa died and it was never okay for anyone to push me to get better grades or expect any better behavior of me. I act how I feel and no one has any business criticizing me or having higher expectations of me. I was PROACTIVE and said this to absolutely everyone even people I barely know, I said it BEFORE my behavior would even begin to change. It didn't make any difference. None at all. To this day I have never had a bad life event where I didn't have to also deal with people criticizing me for my react to said event, and all the changes in my behavior. Being proactive got me nowhere at all.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Zoomed in All the Way, the Good Ole Days!

We're in Sterling now


And in Leominster


We'll never be too far apart

We're in Sterling now


And in Leominster


You'll always be there in my heart!

I'm Gonna Dress Wild at Work from Now On

Nice While It Lasted

2016 Was a nice year of thoughtful editing. 2017 will be a year of screaming just as loud as I did in 2014, you might wanna buy some earplugs if you don't want your hearing to be permanently damaged. I mean that.

That's Funny

Someone actually thought I was gonna stop screaming on Facebook. I think they must be on crack to think that.


Tomorrow I'm gonna break all my glasses and dishes and jars of stuff really violently on the floor and film myself doing it and post it here so everyone will see it.

Sunday, January 15, 2017


Most blue liquids are toxic, and I'm cool with that.

I'm Disgusted by YOU!

I have no issue AT ALL with this girl's attitude, it's Supernanny who disgusts me by having expectations of her:

I hope this girl NEVER grows up and gets mature because she clearly doesn't want to and it's not okay to push her to!!!!


ALL EXCUSES ARE VALID. People have reasons for doing things, those reasons are all legitimate. I'm so fucking sick of people saying that people are just using things as an excuse. Yes, this bad thing happened to me, I do NOT function when bad things happen, so it is my excuse and that is fine!!!! STOP acting like there's something wrong with making excuses. There is nothing wrong with it!!!!!