Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Meh

I really feel just as bad as I did senior year.

Redo

I've decided to start over. I'm gonna go back to the moment when I was 4 years old, BEFORE I got unwillingly thrown into the forced education system, and I'm going to do all the things I liked to do back then. I'm gonna bite people. Seriously bite people. I'm gonna bite, hit, kick, pinch, scratch, scream, cry, and throw Legos at people when they do things I don't like. When people lecture me, I'm gonna make silly faces at them. When I'm stuck at an assembly or meeting, I'm gonna start singing or doing something silly to get attention. I'm going to do all the bad things I want to do and I will NOT listen to anyone about proper behavior or being good. I will do all the bad things I want to do until I find a personal reason not to do them, until I decide that they actually produce a result that is undesirable. I never got to make that choice because adults made it for me, but now I am making that choice for myself. And if I don't find a personal desire to change, I will being biting people and throwing Legos until the day I die. I have no reason to believe that I ever wanted to stop doing these things because it was not a choice I made.

>:-(

I really wish you would write more on Facebook, Twitter, or someplace where I could stalk you. How the hell am I supposed to brag about how I'm gonna have a way better New Year's Eve than you if I can't even see what you're planning to do? How can I brag about having a better sex life than you if I can't even see how yours is? I think you do this on purpose. Fuck you.

January 9th falls on a Friday this year. Of all years. I'm definitely gonna have a better day than you that day. I'm gonna go out and do something really wild like have sex with tons of different people or go to a play party or something WILD and I'll be having the time of my fucking life while you remember what day it is and miss me. I won't miss you, I'll be having way too much fun that night.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

I'll Miss You

You're heading forward
And I'm heading back
I don't think in this lifetime
We'll cross the same path

I'll miss you.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

My Relationship in a Nutshell

Him: You have chocolate. I want chocolate!

Me: Hmm. This is very expensive chocolate. I'm not sure you really want to pay the price for it.

Him: I want chocolate!

Me: (Holding a piece of paper) Here is what you would need to do in order to have this chocolate.

Him: (Tosses paper aside) I want chocolate!

Me: I don't think you're listening. (Grabs a very long sheet of paper). Here is a more detailed outline of what you're really getting yourself into by accepting this chocolate.

Him: (Tosses paper aside) I want chocolate!

Me: (Hands him a thick hardcover book). Here is a 100-page manual explaining everything that you'll have in your life, all the new burdens that you'll be carrying, once you have the chocolate in your hands. And don't worry about reading the fine print - I've especially highlighted the parts I think you won't like.

Him: (Tosses book aside) I want chocolate!

Me: Wow. You really still want the chocolate after everything I've shared with you? You must be awesome. (Hand him the chocolate).

Him: (Takes one bite. Pauses.) Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! I don't want all this burden and baggage get me out get me out aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Me: (Glaring, ready to smack him).

Him: Can I keep the chocolate?

Friday, December 19, 2014

Haircut

I'm getting a dramatically new haircut tomorrow. I honestly haven't thought this through much at all, I just want to try a wild new haircut because I've worn the same hairstyle my whole life and I want to try something different, and I think it will make me feel new and fresh and more Amelia-ish. I just figure if I don't like it, I can always grow it back. I was hoping I could get the same person I had last time, but she wasn't free and I really want to get the haircut this weekend. But it seems like a good hair salon so I trust that anyone I meet with should be good and can talk to me about what will look good.

I don't know. I don't feel well. I don't really feel well enough to even drag myself to get the haircut tomorrow but it seemed convenient since I'm meeting my friend at the mall later anyway. I just want to do something dramatically different and I've never had a short haircut before.

Hmm

How the fuck does someone get to have an MBA and not know how to use a comma???? Man, if anyone else saw what I saw getting handed in to that program...

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Not okay

I AM NOT OKAY. Not the tiniest bit okay. I'm not getting my emotional needs met and I am moving to another planet. This time I'm really gonna do it, no turning back, I'm gonna be Amelia and do wild things and never ever ever behave or function. I am not okay and I will not act okay because of anything.

Friday, December 12, 2014

More Personality Patterns






This is a quiz that shows why my ex and I weren't compatible. He was a guardian and I'm an artisan, and guardians and artisans DO NOT mix. Well, maybe that's not true. I just always had to pretend to be more of a guardian around his family. They never accepted that I was almost 100% artisan. They wanted a guardian type like them. They wanted a good, hardworking citizen which is not what I am at all. They wanted someone who's down-to-earth and I am the opposite of that. 

This quiz had you rate your answer choices, with 4 points for your first choice, 3 for your second, 2 for your third, and 1 for your last. But I didn't need the rating system to know what I was - I answer "B" as my first answer to every single question except for the first one because I don't like gym class. (On the second question, B is honestly the only one that fits at all, so I had a really hard time coming up with an order for the others, which are all equally untrue for me).

Now that I'm done pretending to be a good citizen around people's families, I'm celebrating being an artisan like this:


Remember when I showed those pictures from the personality patterns book? Well, I wanted to make my own personality patterns. I've always liked visual stuff like pie charts and bar graphs, so that you can tell at a glance what the results are without counting up points. So I decided to express my artisanness with stars. I color-coded each of the quiz results. Blue for guardian, pink for artisan, purple for idealist, and green for realist. Then I drew one star for each point I got. (Note: the quiz scores are inflated because they use 1-4 instead of 0-3, so I changed this to a 0-3 scale instead of 1-4. In this case, for me, that makes more sense because my last choice was usually something I had zero interest in). Out of all the stars, 46% are artisan, 29% are idealist, 17% are realist, and 8% are guardian. (What on earth was I doing dating someone who pushed me to be a guardian?)

Now here comes the even more fun part...


Two of my close friends took this quiz also, so I added their patterns next to mine. (My pattern is in the far left corner; I folded the paper to take the first picture). One of my friends is dominantly idealist and the other is dominantly realist. I really like how the patterns look all together. We each have a different dominant color, but they all seem to fit perfectly together. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Why I Deleted My Old Accounts

The reason I deleted my old Facebook account when timeline started was NOT because I felt ashamed or embarrassed by what I wrote in college. I am not, nor will I ever be, ashamed of what I wrote. That stuff was all a true reflection of what was going on. The reason I deleted my old account was because I did not want to have such easy access to what had happened at college because it hurt me. It hurt me to have such easy access to what happened back then. Not how I reacted - what happened. I didn't want to keep reliving it. I do wish I had those records now, but they were too painful to keep at the time. 

The reason I deleted my online journal was again, NOT because I was ashamed of what I had written. I did that because my online journal contained a lot of false positives. False positives meaning that I wrote a lot of positive, hopeful entries that were NOT a true reflection of what was going on at the time. And I'm not talking about accentuating the positive, or only writing about true positive stuff and just not including negative stuff. I'm talking about convincing myself that things were great when they were not okay at all. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance, or lying to myself, and convincing myself that everything would be fine. I had the expectation that college would eventually be fine once I got used to it and did not always admit to myself that some things were just not okay with me.

Some entries made things sound good when they were actually really bad. Some entries just had false hope about things getting better. Some entries accurately reflected how I felt at the time but directed my feelings at the wrong things. I was so scared to admit the Colby was the problem that I often made it sound like I was just having a bad time in general but that I did like the school and wouldn't be any happier if I left. Some of the entries I wrote when I was really depressed sound like they are about absolutely nothing. The two reasons that I eventually deleted my online journal were that:

1. It hurt me to read that false positive stuff even more than it hurt to read true negative stuff. It sort of felt like watching someone about to step off a cliff and not being able to do anything to warn them.

2. I was absolutely terrified that anyone who found what I had written would use it against me, to try to say, "See, you did have some fun times at college," or something like that. No one I knew at the time believed me about how horrible everything was. Not one single person. I was already having such a hard time convincing people that my experience was real. Letting them read journal entries that sounded like I liked Colby would have destroyed everything. If I couldn't trust anyone to believe me about what happened, who would ever believe that I could have actually written something positive that wasn't true? So no, I was never ashamed of anything I wrote in my journal, I was just afraid that YOU ALL would use it against me to claim that my experience wasn't really as bad as I've said it is! That's the main reason I got rid of my journal years ago. I couldn't take that risk.

Hmm. Now that I have trusted friends who understand that cognitive dissonance happens, I might be interested in sharing some of those journal entries (they are not online, but I have printed copies). I think it would be an extremely deep bonding and cleansing ritual to actually trust someone to read those things and believe me when I say that that's not how it happened.