Saturday, February 28, 2015

Prepositions

My next goal in my uneducating plan is that I wanna stop using prepositions correctly. Now, this WOULD be an extremely difficult goal in the English language, but luckily I have lots of friends who are good with language and grammar. I know I'm going to get LOTS of help with this goal because it's obviously extremely important to me so I expect to get lots of support.

ZigZag Lines

I've decided that I want to begin unlearning every single thing that I've learned in school. I'm going to start by walking in zig-zagged lines when I'm at work or in a public place to undo the training of walking in straight lines. This will be my first goal, and then I'll gradually work on undoing other things. I'm hoping that by the end of this year, I can get myself really behaving like someone who was never exposed to education or structure.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Angelica

Next Halloween I'm going as Angelica Pickles. She's my idol.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Back in the Day

The year was 2001. It was the summer between 7th and 8th grade. I was in drama camp – a day camp that lasted two weeks with a final performance of a musical at the end. We were divided into groups by age - I was in the oldest group with 12-13-year-olds – and each group got a musical number in the show. The first time that the camp went through the entire show together, our group did a really bad job on our song. One of the directors got annoyed and told us that we should have been more prepared and he said, “That stunk!” One girl in our group – we’ll call her Katie – got really upset and stomped off the stage. The director said, “If you can’t take criticism, don’t come to acting class.”

As soon as our group sat back down, we were really concerned about Katie. She had run off to the bathroom, and we kept whispering amongst ourselves about if someone should go and check on her, or if we should let her have her space. Eventually Katie came back, a lot of us asked her if she was okay and she said yes and that she had been having a bad day. We all got into a discussion about how it wasn’t nice of them to come down so hard on us just because we were older and how it was always cute and funny when the younger kids messed up. Someone suggested hypothetically that some of us should pretend to be upset and start crying so that the directors wouldn't yell at us, and we went around talking about who among us could make ourselves cry on demand. It was mostly just a fun conversation – most of us agreed that we didn’t care enough about what happened to do anything.

I didn’t realize just how precious that moment was at the time. I mean, it’s one thing to sympathize with someone who experiences something that you don’t, like if the director had just said something to Katie and no one else. But what the director said was a criticism of all of us, and no one was upset about it except for Katie. And we all still talked about the issue and tried to make Katie feel better. I don’t recall anyone saying that Katie shouldn’t have gotten so upset or needed to suck it up or anything. Not even behind her back.

Funnily enough, the title of our show that year was Free to Be You and Me. The final lines in the play were:

“No one else, no one else
Can tell you how to feel.
For how you feel is how you feel,
And all the whole world through,
No one else, no one else
Knows that as well as you.”

I never even made the connection at the time. None of us did. That’s just the way we were back then.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Not an Activist

I am not an activist and I don't appreciate people assuming I'm an activist without asking me. I never wanted to be an activist, I just got pushed into that culture.

True story: One time I got dragged to an event that I didn't want to go to. (The other person literally grabbed my hand and said I had to come with her). Someone was reading something out loud to me from the computer that I wasn't pay attention to and then she said to me, "So, now that you're ready to throw up..." And I thought to myself, I am NOT ready to throw up over any of the information you just read to me. I am ready to throw up because you forced me to be here and are now telling me how to feel and expecting me to react to something I never even wanted to hear.

I am dead serious. Try calling me an activist now!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Announcement

I've realized something really important. I'm not sure why didn't figure this out sooner, but it occurred to me today: I absolutely need to start writing on my sex blog again. I know I have some serious reservations about it, but it is something that I just have to do.

Let me start by explaining why I stopped writing it in the first place. Basically, most of the blog was focused on things I did with my ex-boyfriend, so obviously once we broke up, I couldn't write about that stuff anymore. Even though I had things to write about that didn't involve him, and even though I was doing things with my friend that I could have written about, I just associated the blog a lot with him and thought that I would miss him terribly by even going on the site. Some time after the breakup, I managed to finish a very important piece that I had been working on about my earliest crushes, and I did a 30-day challenge just to keep myself in the mood. But after that, I decided to stop for a couple of reasons. One, I felt like it wouldn't be a good idea for me to write about the things I do with my friend because writing about that sort of thing makes me feel more attached and crave it even more. This is a good feeling, and it definitely works when you are seeing someone constantly and doing this stuff all the time, but my friend and I do not see each other as often as I'd like, and we don't do these things as often as I'd like, so I think there's a very good chance that writing the blog will make me miss my friend when they're not here even more than I do now. And secondly, it just seemed like a risky project to invest in. The sex blog was my primary focus for a while. When my boyfriend and I broke up, the thing that mattered most to me outside of our relationship also fell to pieces. Since I don't do sexual things casually, it seems like a very high risk investment to write a blog that is contingent upon the fact that I have someone in my life to do things with, and that we are doing them.

The reason I needed to explain all that is be clear that these are the only reasons I stopped writing the sex blog. I didn't grow up and decide to become a mature, professional, appropriate adult or anything like that.

I realized yesterday that I absolutely need my sex blog back. Why? Because on that blog, I am everything that I want to be. I'm wild. I'm rebellious. I'm inappropriate. I don't play by anyone's rules. On that blog, I am Amelia Untamable.

I did some really scary shit when I was a teenager. Things that would give parents NIGHTMARES if they knew that's what their kid was doing when they weren't home. And I managed to get away with all of it. I never once got caught. To this day, my parents don't know what risky, dangerous things I got up to when they weren't around. To this day, no adults in my life know what I did. Some of the things I did were way more dangerous than illegal drugs.I would really, REALLY APPRECIATE IT if people would give me credit for that and stop treating me like a good kid who never did that sort of things. I don't care what people say about "kids today" being wilder than we were - I know I'd give everyone a run for their money if they knew what I'd done. I'd like some acknowledgement.

I went to college to have fun and party hard, but because I don't like to drink, I got lumped into this goody-two-shoes group of good students and activists who would do homework or go to an educational talk on a Friday night instead of going out partying. I was expected to be one of them just because I didn't drink, and I STILL get treated like one of them to this day. Let me tell you this: whatever is it you think about me when I say I don't like to drink, whatever image that brings to mind...if you ever saw me in subspace - deep, deep subspace - you would never think that about me again. When I go into subspace, my body and mind are in a chemically altered state, and I can stay that way for hours. I'm not any safer to drive in that state than I would be if I were drunk. I'm being altered by the chemicals in my own body, and they are extremely powerful to the point that I do not feel honest at all in saying that I don't do drugs. I've gotten really, really high in subspace, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my friend Eli. They'll tell you what I'm like. I don't think you could distinguish me from someone who's drunk.

This is the real me. I never wanted to be a good girl. But I was forced onto a good-girl path the second I was unwillingly sent to school. If someone runs up to you on the street and says, "I'm really lost! Can you give me some directions?" the first thing you'd ask would be, "Where are you trying to go?" You couldn't possibly help the person without this information. But most of the time, especially with children, we don't ask that question. We just start directing them with no regard to where they want to be. I did not want to go to school or do any of the stuff we did in school. I did not want to wear a uniform or walk in a straight line or play nice with other kids or sit still and pay attention. I did NOT want to become educated,  socialized, well-behaved, or a productive member or society.  I wanted to run wild and free and have fun with absolutely no organization or structure in my life. Most of the adults in my life were thieves and force-feeders - they stole the majority of my young life from me by forcing me to go to school and do homework, and they force-fed me educational information that I did not care about at all. This was not okay and I will never forgive any of the people who did these things to me no matter how good their intentions were. I communicated what I wanted and if they did not listen then they are absolutely horrible and I will never, ever forgive them for what they did to me.

I never wanted to go to college, and I never wanted to be on the path of academic success, the path that involved doing basically everything that I didn't want to do. I never wanted to be good. No one ever asked me if I wanted to be good.

When I started going by Amelia Untamable on the sex blog, I felt like for the first time in years, I was being the person I wanted to be.  I mean, not only was I a sex blogger, but I was a porn star! I was basically writing porn most of the time, and I was starring in it, so that makes me a porn star! I am completely serious. I consider myself a porn star, and I am planning to write lots more porn on that site, and maybe even post videos at some point (although I'll probably upload them someplace different). This is the absolute farthest away from the good-girl path I was on before that I can possibly imagine! Seriously, I'm an ex-Catholic school girl who used to wear uniforms and walk in straight lines and follow the rules, an ex-national honor society student who was supposed to go off and do great things, who was expected to let fun take a backseat to education, an ex-prestigious college student from a school where everyone has intellectual pursuits and supposedly goes off and has a big impact on the world, and an ex-grad student at a business school that's all about networking and impression management and climbing the corporate ladder...and you know what? I GREW UP TO BE A PORNSTAR!!!!

I am so happy when I think about that. I really did grow up to be a porn star after all.

So even if there is an emotional risk to it, I am going back to the sex blog and going back to being a self-made porn star. Back to being the person that would make every adult in my life think that they failed me. And you know what? They did fail me. They failed me by not helping me to get where I wanted to be. If they'd really, truly cared about me and listened to what I wanted, I would have been a porn star a long time ago.

A couple of things about the blog:

This is a purely hedonistic pursuit. Any sex-positive activism that comes from it is incidental. (Seriously, I got forced into activism in college and everyone still expects me to be an activist. I'm not an activist nor did I ever want to be one. I just got forced into that culture because I don't drink. Some people just can't recognize a hedonist if they're not holding a shot glass).

I'm planning to write lots of entries at a time and set them to update into the future. This seems to work best for me on that blog.

I'm inviting my friends to guest-post.

I haven't actually started writing again, so there is nothing new there now. I'll make an announcement when there is new material to look at on that blog.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Quiz Writing

I've been working a lot on my quizzes lately. I actually just finished a 56-question quiz today! It may need to be cut down before I try to publish my quiz book, my friends will get to take the original 56-question version.

These are the guidelines I try to follow when writing quizzes:

1. Approach each quiz with the idea that every possible outcome is just as good as the others. I have seen some good quizzes out there that do have clear right and wrong answers, like quizzes about how to be a good friend, how to be trustworthy, and things like that. But I have also seen a lot of quizzes that push people to be more outgoing, adventurous, flexible, flirtatious, conscientious, achievement-striving, etc when some people have no interest in being these things. I can see myself writing some right-and-wrong quizzes about validation and consent-consciousness in my book about those topics, but for my quiz books, I want to emphasize each result being just as good as the others.

2. All advice given in the results section must accept who the person is and not push them to change. I cannot tell you how many quiz results I've read that are like, "Since you answered all A's, you should try to be more like B." I don't know why people think that my answering all A's would mean that I have any kind of desire to be something other than A.  My policy is to never advise someone to be something that they do not express an interest in on the quiz. All of my advice is based on what the person is, not what I think they should be. Sometimes I'll advise the reader on that they might enjoy doing B activities since they answered mostly B's. Sometimes I'll advise them on how to make themself happy and get by in the world as a person of their type. (For example: on my quiz about what kind of group project person you are, I advise people on who they should work with based on their type. I also advise people who don't like group projects on how they can avoid having to work with others by dividing the tasks among the group).

3. Create social desirability where it doesn't exist. It's not enough to make my results sound neutral. I want to make each description sound like a perfectly desirable way to be. This means especially saying lots of good things about personality types that are normally considered less desirable.

4. Don't confuse "would" with "should." I took this one quiz about healthy eating (I hate to use this one because I don't like telling people what to eat, but it's the best example I have), and about half of the questions were worded like, "When you're thirsty, what drink do you reach for?" and the other half was worded like, "Which of the following lunches is the healthiest?" These questions are inconsistent because the first one is about what you would actually do, and the second one is simply asking if you can correctly identify the healthiest lunch of the choices given, without asking anything about which one you would actually eat. This is a problem I've seen on a lot of quizzes, where the questions are worded in terms of what you "should" do or whether something is a "good idea," but results make it sound like you answered what you would actually do, rather than simply identifying the "correct"choice. From a writing standpoint, I find this really annoying, like a novel changing verb tense halfway through the book. From a personal standpoint, mixing up "would" and "should" bothers me because it assumes that everyone wants to do what they're supposed to do, and that if someone doesn't do what they're supposed to, it's because they are misguided or don't understand what's right and wrong. It doesn't allow room for people like me who understand exactly what is expected of us but just have no interest in doing it. All of my quizzes are clearly worded in terms of what you would do, not what you "should" do.

5. Don't assume the gender or sexual orientation of the readers. Almost every quiz book I own is written explicitly for heterosexual cisgender female people. There is absolutely no reason for this. I make sure that my questions are not gender-specific and also do not assume anything about who the reader wants to date. I say, "your significant other," or "the person you're attracted to," rather than assuming the gender and sexual orientation of the reader.

6. Don't use cultural references that everyone won't understand. I always find it annoying when quizzes ask questions that I can't answer like, "Which of these celebrities would you like to trade wardrobes with?" Everyone does not keep up with celebrity gossip and know who these people are and how they dress. It's also impractical to use such current gossip that no one will be able to answer these questions in a few years.

I didn't have all of these guidelines when I first began writing quizzes years ago, so I will have to go back and do some editing.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

No Matter What

I'm baking my super special birthday cupcakes right now that I worked really hard on. And you know what that means? My birthday party is happening on Saturday NO MATTER WHAT!!!! I am serious. I don't care about snow. I don't care if a meteor hits the earth on Saturday. My party is happening then NO MATTER WHAT.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

My Living Style

 
 
This is the truth. I would never date someone who doesn't approve of my living style.
 
 
 


Turning 27

I wrote this a year ago and I still mean every single word of it:

http://yourownkindofmusic.blogspot.com/2014/02/reasons-i-dont-ever-plan-to-be-mature.html

Friday, February 13, 2015

Party Preparation

Just to clarify this to everyone (well, to one person) once and for all:

If we live together and I'm having a party - a party that's my party, not "our" party - in our place, I may tell you that I'll take care of everything and you don't have to do any work, since it's my party. What this means is that I will do all of the work that I want done for the party. If I don't do chores, it does not mean that I'm leaving them for you to do. It means that I do not care if those chores get done at all. If you decide that the dishes in the sink should be washed or the floor should be vacuumed or things should be straightened out before the party, that is not my problem. If you want to do extra work, that's fine, but you don't get to go around acting like I dumped it on you when I never intended for it to get done at all.

Snow

I feel EXTREMELY relieved knowing that everyone can come to my party on my first snow alternative date. This means I can go ahead and prepare and get excited about my party next weekend, because it seems very unlikely that both weekend days would be unmanageable in terms of snow.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Insult

The absolute most insulting thing that anyone has done to me was giving me good conduct awards.

If only you knew what I would have said and done if I'd had the guts.

Creating Social Desirability

I'm trying to publish a book of personality quizzes. Well, several books actually, but I'm working on one book right now, and I need to add some more quizzes before I would try to send it to a publisher. I love writing quizzes just or the fun of it, but I also want to use my quizzes to do something very important; I want to create social desirability.

I have a very strict policy on my quizzes that I don't ever want my answers to be like, "Since you answered mostly A's, you should try be more like B." A lot of quizzes I read are like this - they push change on people who've never said they wanted to change. There are clear right and wrong answers, and a clear way that you're supposed to come out. My results are all purely descriptive, and when I do offer advice, it's based on who the person is, like "Your results show that you are very outdoorsy, so here are some outdoor activities that you might enjoy." I thought that as long as I worded the questions in a neutral way that didn't favor one result over another, I was set.

Then I gave a quiz to someone I know very well who likes to keep a lot of things for sentimental value. When asked her the question, "How many items do you keep for sentimental value?" I was sure she would say "Lots," but instead she hesitated, looking a little embarrassed, and said, "Well, I have done that, but I'm trying cut back and get rid of things, so I'll go with the middle choice of 'some.'" Now, prior to giving her quiz, she never indicated that she wanted to cut back, or that this was something she wished to change about her life.  And she did not cut back or get rid of things in the years after taking this quiz. I think she just didn't feel comfortable answering "lots" because she saw it as the undesirable choice.

This happened a long time ago, but I was discussing it with a friend recently and realized something: being neutral isn't enough. Wording the question in a neutral way is not enough to make people feel comfortable giving their real answers. The world is not a neutral place. It's not like the quiz question about keeping things for sentimental value was the first time that this person had stopped to think about that. She had probably experienced enough negative judgment and pressure to change that she would automatically feel judged and pressured when answering the question, even if the question itself is worded in a neutral way. I need to go beyond trying to sound neutral and leaving social desirability out. I need to CREATE social desirability in my quizzes and give it to people.

I've used this image a lot in my life: If I picture something that I hate as a racecar coming at me, I don't want to just put up a barrier between myself and the racecar to make it stop. I want to get a bigger, faster racecar to go charging at it and send it back where it came from.

It's not enough to just not be judgmental in my quizzes. I need to be judgmental back, in a way that says, "ALL of these results are perfectly fine - society can fuck off." So, I've decided that my results sections are not going to be purely descriptive anymore. They are all going to either be positive and emphasize the person's strengths, or they are going to advise the person on what will make them happy, based on their choices. So instead of saying, "You don't like large parties," I would say, "You really enjoy spending time with smaller groups of friends," or, "You really enjoy doing cool things by yourself." I'm going to be aware of what society values already and actively boost up the other results to match it. I'm going to feed people social desirability through my quiz books so that people will feel good about themselves and not feel pressured to change.

Fuck Snow and Fuck Valentine's Day

Fuck Valentine's Day for falling on the day that was supposed to be my birthday party date.

My birthday is on Feb 17th, so my birthday party date can either be the Saturday before or the Saturday after. And the Saturday before just happened to be Valentine's Day this year, which makes that date automatically off the list because I assume everyone will have other plans. It's not that there's anything wrong with Saturday the 21st for my party. Honestly, if I knew for sure that the party would BE on the 21st, I would choose that day over the 14th because February is my special second Christmas month and I'd rather have the planning fun last longer

The issue is snow. Lots of snow. See, when you live where I live and your birthday is in February, you need snow-alternative dates. A lot of fun events have been getting snowed out lately, so I have to have lots of alternative dates for my birthday party in case there's snow that day. The first alternative date is Sunday the 22nd. But I also have to be prepared for a weekend long blizzard that goes from Saturday into Sunday, so I have another alternative snow day the following Saturday, Feb 28th, and then a third alternative snow date on Sunday, March 1st. I had to write these dates on the event so everyone knows because there's been so much snow lately that it's way too risky to not have alternative dates. I would have to decide the night before of course, since that's when I'll be making my cake.

But THAT is why Valentine's Day has really gotten in my way! See, I would have LIKED to have my original party date be the weekend before my real birthday so that if we do get snowed out, I could still have the party the weekend after my birthday. And if by some odd chance both weekends were snowed out, I'd still have one more weekend left in February. But at the rate we're going now, my party might keep getting pushed and pushed forward into March, which I really don't want. It complicates things because I'm gonna have to start from scratch asking my best friends when they can all come, when I had especially set my date more than a month in advance.

Fuck snow, and fuck Valentine's Day for falling on the day when I was supposed to have my birthday party.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Male Privilege and Social Desirablity, Part 2

This is going to be an ongoing series as I think of more things to add.

7. It would be more acceptable to make all my decisions based on my feelings instead of logic. This is a confusing one. I mean, I always thought that in this case I was better off being female. Since the stereotype is that male people are more logical and female people are more emotional, I figured I'd have an easier time fitting with the stereotype than going against it. And in terms of sitting down and cuddling and talking about feelings for a long time, it is probably easier to do that because I'm female. But here's something interesting: My mom used to be the CFO at a company, and she was often the only female person on her level, and the only female person in the room at executive meetings. She would do tons of analytical work and present her findings to the group, and then some guy (a different guy each time) who hadn't done any work would say that the figures didn't feel right to him. My mom would ask him to explain what the problem was specifically, and he wouldn't have an answer. He'd just shrug and say that it didn't feel right to him, so then my mom would have to go and do all this extra work. My mom told me that this happened a lot, and she could tell that these guys who claimed the numbers didn't feel right didn't have any basis for their opinion. They hadn't done the work and they really weren't asking intelligent questions that showed that they even understood what my mom was explaining. It was literally just, "This doesn't feel right to me" with no further explanation and then my mom was expected to go and do more work to prove that she was right. I don't think that if my mom had said, "That doesn't feel right to me," in a room full of guys, anyone would be expected to do extra work to prove their point to her. Guys who said that things just didn't feel right got listened to over my mom who had done lots of research and had a strong factual basis for what she presented to the company.

So, even though I would be breaking the stereotype by being a guy who does everything based on feelings instead of logic, I think I would actually experience less pressure to have a logical basis for my decisions. I think people just wouldn't question the basis of my decisions as much because I'd have more authority.

One time in college, I ran into one of my male fiction writing classmates. He said that he wanted to thank me because I was the only person in class who understood his story. He told me that everyone else just didn't get it at all and that he was planning to have a bonfire and burn most of his critique letters. I could relate to him A LOT. I really wanted to pursue a friendship with him, but he didn't seem to remember me when I talked to him the following year. But as he was telling me this, I remember asking myself, why can't I be that way? I mean, I could relate to him 100% on this, especially the part about burning the letters. But when he told me how he felt, he really made it sound like he and I were the only ones who were right and everyone else was just stupid. When I talk that way, everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem and they pressure me to not be so emotional and take things in stride and blah blah blah. I wanted to ask him what his secret was, what was he doing that made it okay to tell a complete stranger that he was right when he had 15 people disagreeing with him and that he was planning to do a purely emotion-based act of burning the letters (because burning doesn't accomplish anything beyond the emotional satisfaction - you can just throw the letters away if you don't want to read them again). I didn't know him well enough to know if he was popular or had social capital, but he clearly felt confident because he stated all of these things as facts me, not anything that he needed to defend.

I just wonder, if I were a guy, how much time I would spend having to defend my purely emotional choices, or if I could just sit back and say, "I'm doing this because I want to, because it feels right," and have it end there.

Revenge

I've decided that I'm going to break my ex's windshield wipers off his car.

Towards the end of our relationship he was constantly harassing me that I needed to get new windshield wipers no matter how many times I said that no, I did not need them and I did not WANT to get new ones. He just wouldn't let up and kept pushing this on me as something that needed to be done, no matter how many times I told him that I'm not willing to do things that need to be done.

I can only conclude from this that he must personally like to get windshield wipers changed, so I'm going to go and break his right off his car so that he can have the pleasure of getting new ones.

Friday, February 6, 2015

More Introvert Stuff

I have this American Girl quiz book where the results give you a suggestion of an activity you might like to do based on your interests. Sounds like a good quiz design to me. I mean, most quizzes "advise" you to be more like the things you say you're not, so a quiz that says, "You might enjoy doing A things since you answered mostly A's," is a good idea. Definitely what I'm trying to make my quizzes sound like.

But there's this quiz in the book about writing. It give you suggestions of how to jump-start your brain and get ideas for stories, and what methods will work best for you based on your personality. Mostly A's was someone who was visual-oriented and liked art and scenery. Their recommendation was to derive writing inspiration from an image. Mostly B's was someone who was very outgoing, active, and liked a lot of stimulation. Their recommendation was to write down different characters, settings, and things like that and then draw a combination out of a hat to write about. Mostly C's was someone who was quiet, calm, and liked low stimulation. Their recommendation was to write about a character who was the total opposite of them.

Now, I don't have any problem at all with the advice of writing about someone who's the total opposite of you. That is a perfectly good way to start writing. But I have a problem with who this advice is given to. I mean, using an image as an inspiration makes sense if you're visually oriented. Drawing random ideas from a hat makes sense if you like adventure. But what does writing about someone who's the total opposite of you have to do with being introverted? I'm looking over the C answers, and there is just nothing at all that connects to this idea.  I mean, anyone can write about people who are the opposite of them, so why do they specifically tell people who are introverted that this is the best exercise for them? The description is literally, "You are calmer and quieter than most of your friends, but what if your story isn't?" and then advises you to write about people who are the opposite from you. The advice on its own is not a bad thing to do, but I don't like the context at all. It sounds like they're saying if you get mostly C's, you must not have any interesting ideas from your own life, or no one will want to read a story about someone like you.

Why do they have to target introverts??? Why is the quiet, low-stimulation person the one who is supposed to write about people different than themself? Why can't the outgoing, social person be told to write about someone who's the total opposite of themself?

I'll tell you something funny about this writing idea. Now, there are a lot of different ways that you can write about someone who's the opposite of you. There are so many different directions that you could take, and having an introverted person write about an extroverted person or vice versa is only one option. But let's consider that option for a minute since it's what the book recommends. When I write about characters who are the opposite of me in this way - characters who love to be with lots of people, characters who seek out lots of stimulation, characters who like to go out and do things to get their mind off their troubles, characters who are thrilled to spend two months at summer camp  - it's not a challenge for me. It's not any harder to write about characters like this than it would be to write about someone more like myself. Why? Because I've known a lot of people who have these traits. Because most of the stories I've grown up with are about characters with these traits. I could easily write a story about someone who goes away to college and loves it because it's a story I know very well, even though it's the opposite of mine. This book acts like it's a new concept to write about high-stimulation stuff even though you don't want much stimulation yourself, but the fact is, it's not that hard to do because most stories are about high-stimulation situation. Most stories are about things that would leave some of us exhausted and not wanting to interact with anyone for a long time if we were the characters in the story. (And there's nothing wrong with that. It's still lots of fun to imagine being in the story).

What would actually be a challenge is the reverse. If you ask someone who's really extroverted to write a story about someone who's introverted - NOT a story about someone who's shy and insecure but wants to do more things, NOT a story about someone who is too depressed to engage in activities, just a story about someone who is not social and likes low stimulation, and is portrayed in a positive way as they are, and the story does NOT end with the person changing and becoming more extroverted as if that's what they were working towards - I think that would be a far more difficult task than asking an introvert to write about an extroverted character because there just aren't enough examples to follow, and there aren't enough real-life examples that people really pay attention to.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Fuck Off

A few things:

1. No, I did not make this extremely big decision on the spur of the moment. It took me five years to do what I did, and I even discussed this with someone who wasn't involved at all in the conflict. It may have seemed out of nowhere, but I was thinking about this for years. I'm hurting too. But it got to a point where keeping things the way they were was hurting me more than having things be sort of over is hurting me now. That's the truth.

2. I have a major problem with anyone implying that it would have been some sort of a problem if I had made this decision on the spur of the moment because of how bad I was feeling. I AM ENTITLED TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON MY FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!! I do not give a fuck about logical reasoning. I only care about feelings and I make ALL of my decisions based on my feelings and NONE of them based on logic. My choice to make friends with someone is based on feelings, my choice to stay friends with someone is based on feelings, and my choice to stop will also always be based on feelings. I will never use logical reasoning for anything. While it's true that I thought this out for a long time, my choice would not have been less valid if I had spent less time thinking about it and it had been more spur of the moment.

3. If I said to someone (hypothetically), "I'm not okay with you making these sneaky comments about my weight and pushing diets and gyms on me, and I don't feel like I can be friends if this continues," THAT IS NOT EVEN DITCHING THE PERSON!!!!! That is giving the person a chance to say, "I'm sorry, I'll stop doing that from now on." But nope.  Apparently I'm always gonna be the bad guy no matter what anyone else is doing, especially if they're doing something that's commonly accepted as okay. Especially if they're the one with all the social capital and I'm the one that's just being "tolerated" until I feel better.  I don't care what anyone else thinks. I don't care if you have literally never met anyone in your entire life like me. If I say it's not okay, it's not okay.

Done.

I'm trashing the validation book. And my other big important writing projects. They're all just garbage anyway. I really don't give a fuck. I said before, that writing stuff was only the next best thing to doing what I really want to do, which is to be destructive and wreak havoc on the world. Maybe I don't want to settle for the second best choice.

Nope.

Things I NEVER plan to do again as long as I live:
- Fold my hands
- Cross my legs
- Sit still
- Pay attention
- Talk all good and proper
- Behave

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I don't like people part 2

I would be more understanding if my not wanting to be with people affected others more directly. Like, if we had a really tight knit group of three friends who did everything together amd I decided not to be friends anymore with one of the people, I understand why the third friend would be very upset. My relationship with the friend I was dropping would break up the triangle and hurt the third person. I'm not saying it would be okay for the third person to push us together when we've said no, but I could understand them being upset. I can understand people within a group being upset when it means the group will never be the same. I can even understand if my not wanting to be with someone would just make things difficult, like if I hated your parents or your boyfriend or girlfriend. I can see why that would be difficult.

I'm talking about people pushing people on me when they aren't even involved with each other. When in some cases, they have never even met or never will meet (like my home friends pushing me to be friends with people at college, my ex pushing me to stay with people who weren't his friends). They just do it because people push people on people. No one really accepts anyone choosing not to be friends with someone else anymore or choosing not to go out and try to make new friends because meeting people just doesn't interest everyone. I hate most people and I am not looking to be pushed towards anyone.

This statement is not true at all, I love my grandma, but I think my dating litmus test would be, "I've cut my grandmother out of my life forever because it just wasn't working out between us" and see what the other person says. If they react like, "omg it's your grandma how can you do such thing?!" there will be no second date.

I don't like people

I don't like people and I don't have any interest in standing in a circle holding hands and getting along. I have no interest in getting along. I hate most people and I dont want most people to be in my life. Most people don't accept me and my life choices and I don't have any interest in being with them. I don't want to expand my social circle. I want to cling tight to a few people and ignore the rest of the world.

People are always pushing people on me. I am tired of everyone assuming that I like social interacrion and want to meet people without asking me. I am tired of people acting like I'm supposed to feel a certain way about someone because of who they are. "She's your mom!" "She's your grandma!" And other things like that are not okay. If I have a problem with someone then I have a  problem with them and I am not going to treat them any special way because of our relationship. I'm not. And I am tired of people not acceping it when I say that I am done with someone and not speaking to them again. I am tired of people expecting me to forgive people or take them back when I have never said that I want to do that. I am tired of people expecting me to pursue relationships that I just don't feel like pursing. I'm at a point now where I don't even want to share things like, "I had a nice time with this person" because I'm just gonna get pressured to try to see them again even if I never felt like it or to keep them as a friend even if they've done things that make me not want to speak to them again. All those happy time s are just gonna get used against me when I don't want to hang out  with someone or be friends anymore. I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE PUSHED ON ME. I really hate people and I don't have an interest in making things work. If I don't want to talk to someone that is my own business.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Bad Things

I am serious when I say that I want to do bad things, and I am NOT hanging out people who push me to be good and do good things. I just want to do bad things, and write about bad things, and I don't have any desire to make my life be about good things.

Monday, February 2, 2015

The ONE "Educational" Experience that Actually Meant Anything to Me

When I was a sophomore in high school, I decided to redecorate my bedroom. I was doing Broadway diva star theme with lots of stars and sparkles. The only problem was that I wasn't very good at making stars. I could draw that easy five-pointed star without taking my pencil off the paper - the kind that most people know how to do - but I didn't know how to draw a perfect star, a star that I would use as a permanent bedroom decoration, without a stencil. I did use stencils, but they weren't always the size that I wanted. I just needed to be able to draw a perfect star at any size, even if I didn't have anything to trace.

I was sitting in geometry class one day, spaced out as usual, while we were going over how to draw a perfect polygon. We used a formula to calculate the degrees of the inside angles of the polygon, and then a protractor to draw it. I hated having to draw stuff in geometry class. It was way more work than just doing equations and it required way more attention to detail (yuck!). The only drawing I liked in geometry was drawing the diagonals of shapes. I had no idea what the point of it was, but drawing diagonals was easy for me, required no effort, and was fun because they made pretty patterns. The diagonals of a pentagon always made a perfect star.

And then it hit me. Right in the middle of class. If I had a formula for drawing a perfect pentagon, and then I drew the diagonals of that pentagon, I could make a perfect star! I could draw perfect, store-bought-looking stars in any size I wanted! I was absolutely thrilled. I ran home that day and made tons and tons of stars. Tiny stars for my lampshade, medium-sized stars for the mirror, and huge stars to act as stepping stones on the floor, leading to my bed. It was the best bedroom-decorating session ever. My room looked amazing afterwards. And all because I had the formula for a perfect star.

I will tell you one thing: If I had actually been taught how to draw a perfect star, like in an art class or something, it wouldn't have meant so much to me. That perfect star was precious to me because I'd found it on my own. Sure, I learned the formula in class, but math class wasn't about decorating your bedroom. We were never explicitly taught that we could use those polygon formulas to draw things that actually mattered to us. I stole information from the forced-education system to use for something that was purely fun and non-educational. Sort of like if your grandparents send you money for schoolbooks and you use it to buy porn instead. My perfect star really felt stolen, not earned. That was why my perfect star meant so much to me.

Conversations at Colby: The Newspaper

Conversation between me and a former friend who wrote for the school newspaper:

Friend: You should write for the school newspaper.
Me: No thanks, I'm not interested.

Sometime later:
Friend: You should write for the school newspaper.
Me: No thanks, I've already said I'm not interested.

Sometime later:
Friend: You should write for the school newspaper.
Me: No thanks, I've already said I'm not interested. I've read the school paper and I am not interested in writing about any of the stuff that goes in there.

(Please imagine this conversation continued at least 20 more times in the course of a year and a half). 

A year and a half later:
Friend: You should write for the school newspaper. I'm recruiting people to do op-ed pieces.
Me: No thanks, I'm not interested. I've read the op-eds and I have absolutely nothing to say that belongs in that paper.

Sometime later:
Me: Hey, I came up with a great idea for an op-ed piece! I'm going to write about how nice it would be if we all just left each other the fuck alone.
Friend: Um...I don't think I'd be comfortable posting that.

More Quiz Results

So, I decided to retake some of my favorite American Girl quizzes and rate my answer choices with points instead of just picking one choice. So if there are 6 possible answer choices, I'd give myself 5 points for my first choice, 4 for my second, down to zero for my last choice. I've taken a couple of quizzes this way before, and I find it really fun. It also feels more accurate in some cases. When quizzes have a lot of choices, I usually have more than one choice I'd like to pick, and I have a hard time deciding. When there are 5-6 answer choices, I feel like my second and third choices still say a lot about me. There was one quiz that asked about your dream career, and I had to choose between being a quiz book editor, the star of a hit TV show, or the star dancer in a ballet company. Those are literally all my top favorite things to be, and it really felt like a coin toss between the quiz editor and TV star.

So, here are all of my results when I assign 0-5 or 0-6 points to each answer choice:

Help Wanted (What kind of job is right for you):

Answer Choices
My Scores on this quiz:
Animal Magnet: 0
Personal Girl: 16
Dedicated Dreamer: 13
Science Whiz: 9
Imaginative Creator: 22

This quiz came out exactly as I expected, with the imaginative creator being above the others. The only jobs that really interest me fall into the imaginative creator category. I expected personal girl and dedicated dreamer to be my next choices, because they also interest me even though I am not looking for a career in those fields.





Starring You (Your personality, based on your dreams of the future):

Answer Choices


My Scores:
Mostly A's: 10
Mostly B's: 20
Mostly C's: 15
Mostly D's: 14
Mostly E's:   1

My scores came out slightly different than I expected on this quiz. While I knew that B, C, and D were all me and would be higher than the other two choices, I was a bit surprised that B was my highest score since the description involves being carefree and studying with buddies. I had expected that C would be my top choice, followed closely by B and D. I think the reason I got mostly B's is that B represents fun. Like, of the five choices, B seems like the person who puts fun as their highest priority, which definitely fits me. This is an interesting quiz. On quizzes, fun is normally associated with extroversion and wanting to be around lots of people, which is why I often *don't* come out as a fun-seeker even though fun is my priority. I think the reason this quiz was accurate in that way is that it's all about inner desires rather than what you are currently doing. I usually liked choice B because it involved being on celebrity talk shows and magazines and stuff like that. And from those interests, the results led me to the right answer of what I value. But if the quiz had asked me about what I like to do in real life, it probably would have told me that I *didn't* want to be a big celebrity star just because I'm not interested in being social (seriously, I don't know how these things are related). So when the quiz is all about what you want hypothetically, there is a different kind of accuracy that you get. I'll definitely have to write a few quizzes that are all hypothetical and see how they work out.



What Kind of Bird Are You?
Answer Choices




My Scores:
Swan: 7
Owl: 20
Dove: 14
Peacock: 17
Parrot: 21
Eagle: 11

This quiz was very accurate for me. The owl, peacock, and parrot are definitely the ones that fit me the best. When it comes to the owl, I actually *don't* like knowledge, but most of the owl answer choices involved loving to read. So if I go by what I think the owl would be, based on the answers rather than the description (because you can love to read just for fun and not for knowledge), then it fits me. 




Pup Quiz (What kind of dog are you?)

Answer Choices


My Scores:
Poodle: 15
Airdale terrier: 9
Greyhound: 12
Cocker spaniel: 23
Saint Bernard: 18
Golden retriever: 13

On this quiz, I feel like I have a little bit of almost all of the choices - there isn't really one that jumps out as "me" more than the others. I was all over the place when I was taking this quiz. There wasn't one answer choice that I found myself picking consistently. The cocker spaniel, greyhound, and poodle fit me the best, and I would say that they're all equally true. (I'm not the elegant part of the poodle description or the comedian part of the cocker spaniel, but the rest of the traits fit). I got a lot of points for the Saint Bernard, which involves being very close to family and friends just like the greyhound. However, the greyhound fits me much more because the entire description is true for me, but for the Saint Bernard, the only part of the description that fits is the part about being close to family and friends. I would put the golden retriever on the same level as the Saint Bernard because the part about having fun fits me, but not the rest of the description. 



Sunday, February 1, 2015

Staying Friends

If you hate a particular kind of food, but you're starving and it's the only food available, you'll probably eat it. That doesn't mean that you like the food, or that you would willingly eat it in any other context.

I am not willing to live without cuddling and talking about my feelings. If I'm in a position where the only people I can talk to are people who aren't really nice to me and don't validate me and respect my choices, I will absolutely lean on those people, talk to them, and treat them like my friends, the same way I would eat a food I hated if it was a choice between that and starving. It does not mean that I want to stay friends with those people once I'm out of that environment. It does not mean that I EVER want to speak to those people again once I'm out of that environment. You do not have any right to push me to stay in contact or on friendly terms with anyone that I've said I'm done with. You do not have any right to guilt-trip me into keeping people in my life because we once got along. People change when bad things happen. We may have gotten along back when my life was better, but if someone won't validate my feelings and respect my boundaries when I'm not doing well, then I don't have any interest in being friends with them. We may have also gotten along because I put up with stuff I was never really okay with from them, simply because I had no one else to talk to. These are my life choices and I will not be pressured or guilt-tripped into staying friends with anyone I don't want to stay friends with.