Monday, August 31, 2015

Secret

Psssst. You wanna hear a little secret? I went on a really cool trip to China in June 2010, and when I look back on it now, 5 years later, I really, really wish I had waited till 2013 to go. It was a really bad idea to go on a big, out-of-comfort-zone trip right after college, while I was still having severe flashbacks of college several times a day. Being out of my comfort zone made me feel worse, not better. Don't get me wrong - I still loved the trip, I feel really lucky to have gone, and if for some reason I didn't have the option of going any other time - if it was either June 2010 or never - I would definitely still go in 2010. But since I have a choice, I definitely wish that I had waited until years later, when I felt better, so that I could have really enjoyed the trip a lot more. Please stop erasing my experiences by telling everyone that they should go out and do stuff like that when they are feeling bad. If that's what works for *you,* that's fine, but it's not for everyone.

Fuck Off

I am so fucking sick of getting fucking "be positive" newsfeed THAT I NEVER FUCKING WANTED!!!!!!!! I did NOT consent to more than half of the stuff showing up on my feed. I didn't follow these people or these groups. I have carefully narrowed down my newsfeed to a very small group of people that I actually want to hear from. But I'm not hearing from them. I'm hearing from all these other fucking places I don't want to hear from. I only care about what YOU post. I do not want everything that everyone *likes* to show up on my newsfeed, but I can't find a way to permanently get rid of it without unfollowing people altogether. I've searched the internet for a solution but there doesn't seem to be a fix yet, just a bunch of other people asking the same question because they don't like it either.

I am NOT interested in getting rid of Facebook altogether. I am also not interested in unfollowing everyone altogether. I went a couple years without newsfeed and liked it, but recently I've had enough friends that I really want to hear from that it's very inconvenient to not get newsfeed and have to keep checking everyone's page.

I saw the absolute most disgusting thing ever on my feed last night where some lady was telling her son that hypothetically if she died, she would not want him to use her death as an excuse to do bad things. YUCK!!!!!! OF COURSE I'M GONNA DO BAD THINGS IF BAD THINGS HAPPEN!!!!!!!! DUH!!!!!!!!!!! I do good things when good things happen, I do bad things when bad things happen. It's extremely simple to understand. If something really bad happened to me, I would trash my place to the point that you would seriously need to go to the doctor and get a fucking tetanus shot just to walk in my place because there would be contaminated shards of glass everywhere. I will NEVER grieve in a positive way. I will NEVER be nice to someone who wasn't nice to me. And I will NEVER get over anything or forgive anyone and move on. EVER!!!!!!!!

I don't understand why this fucking lady got to invade my world like this. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!!!!!!!! I did NOT consent to hearing anything she had to say. She was on my newsfeed because a friend *liked* her post. Just liked it. Didn't even share it or anything, literally just liked it without even having the intention of it showing up on everyone's feed.

So then this morning, I have to see some other "Life's too short not be happy" thing because of a fucking *like* when I have so carefully unfollowed everyone who posts things like that. Seriously, I've done everything in my power to cut positive people out of my life, and now Facebook is forcing positive shit down my throat from people I don't even fucking know!!!!!!

You know, I'd get it if I got feed like, "Your friend likes this brand of shampoo," because then they're just trying to sell me the shampoo. But why on earth would I want to hear from people I've never even met, if I didn't seek them out myself? Facebook is not Pinterest! I should not be getting recommendations of people I've never fucking met because of "common interests" or whatever. Pinterest misreads my interests sometimes and gives me stuff that's the opposite of what I'm looking for, but it also gets me right a lot of the time. Facebook doesn't. I know someday Facebook will change because enough of us have complained about it, but I AM SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!! I do EVERYTHING in my power to keep positivity and responsibility out of my life and my newsfeed, and it just keeps happening again and again and I am SICK OF IT!!!! It's an endless battle of "hide all from" people I don't even know!

I think from now on, I need to look first at the post description that says, "So and so liked/shared..." and NEVER click on anything that anyone just *likes.* No one likes stuff with the intention of sharing it with friends anyway, because that's what actual sharing is for.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Worms

Imagine it's your birthday, you get a package in the mail that's covered in birthday stickers, you open it expecting a card or a present, but instead you get live worms crawling all over you! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

On Why I Might Seem "Chill," and Why I'm Actually Not

I am not exaggerating when I say that I am probably the pickiest, neediest, most high-maintenance person you will ever meet in your lifetime. But when I say this, people who don't know me as well often second-guess me, thinking I can't possibly be that picky or they would have noticed. I've been told by people who haven't spent a lot of time around me that I seem laid-back, or at least more laid-back in real life than the way that I refer to myself online. Let me explain why this happens.

There is a difference between saying "I want" and "I prefer." When you say that you "prefer" one thing over another, it implies that the other choice is also okay. If there are two types of cookies - chocolate chip and peanut butter - someone asks you which kind you'd like, and you say that you'd "prefer" peanut butter, that implies that chocolate chip would still be acceptable. But if you say that you "want" peanut butter, that does not necessarily mean that chocolate chip would also be acceptable. I personally do not like chocolate chips at all. If I said that I wanted the peanut butter cookie, it would mean that that was the only cookie I was willing to eat.

When we make choices every day, big and small, most of us have a variety of  levels of preferences, from choices where things need to be one way because the alternative is unacceptable, and choices where we don't care one way or the other. I would say that I have pretty strong preferences in most cases. My list of things that are completely unacceptable is higher than most people's lists, and my list of things that I don't care one way or the other about is shorter than most people's lists. I am also not willing to function or be nice to anybody if I am forced to do an unacceptable thing (and that list is very long). These facts make me non-chill.

The reason people who don't know me might see me as chill is this: When you're doing things with other people, you normally try to find things that everyone likes to do, and take turns choosing activities and places to go within the realm of activities that are acceptable to everyone. When I was younger (before high school), I used to be very bossy with my friends and always insist on doing things my way. As I've gotten older (and gotten out of forced environments like college), I've figured out how to manage being picky while also being nice and being a good friend. My strategy is to let other people make choices whenever I feel like I could go either way, so that when I can't go either way, it will be okay for me to make the choice because it will be my turn to choose. For example, if someone asks me, "Do you want to get Indian food or Thai food?" I probably will have a preference. I almost always have a preference, even if it's small. I'm not as indecisive as I might seem. But even if I have a preference, I still like Indian food and Thai food. When both choices are perfectly acceptable to me, even if I prefer one over the other, I figure it's a good time to let other people choose. I do this because I know that the next time a choice comes up, it might not be that way. If the next time we get together, we all decide to order a pizza together, I don't like a lot of pizza toppings, which means that if we're just getting one pizza, the entire group might not be able to get the pizza that they want because I won't eat it. And it's not just about food. It goes for everything. I know myself, I know that there will be lots of times when I'm not willing to do something at all, and I know that these times will come up much more often for me than they will for other people. I feel like the only way things will work out even in the end - that other people won't feel like they're always stuck doing things my way - is if I always let other people choose what they prefer when I would be okay either way. I have to spend a lot of time with someone, do a lot of things together that we both enjoy, and most of all, know that they respect my needs and are not going to try to change me into a more chill person, before I will express a preference in cases where I could go either way.

So if you think I'm chill because I'm always saying that it doesn't matter to me and that whatever other people want to do is fine, that is not the case. I'm saying those things this time because I know that next time, what other people want to do might not be fine with me at all, and I want to make sure that you get a turn to choose.

Book Progress

The reason I've been blogging less lately is because I've been working a lot on my validation book. I don't want to share exactly what point I'm at because I am not good at estimating how long things like this will take, and I don't want anyone to develop expectations about when I might finish, but for now it is coming along well.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Attention Expectation Disorder

In the past few decades, there has been a rampant disorder sweeping the nation know as Attention Expectation Disorder, or AED for short. Individuals who suffer from this condition place expectations on other people's attention. Symptoms include:

1. Expecting people (especially children) to pay attention to things that they are not interested in.
2. Expecting people (especially children) to pay attention to things longer than they want to.
3. Expecting people (especially children) to sit still when they don't feel like it.
4. Attempting to manipulate other people's bodily movements by pushing them to sit still when they want to run and jump around, and also pushing them to join organized sports teams as an outlet for their energy when they want to sit on the couch and play video games.
5. Calling things that people truly want to pay attention to "distractions."
6. Doing bad things to people who do not conform to your attention expectations.

Other common symptoms include denial and projection. Individuals with AED tend to not only deny that they suffer from this disorder, but project their disorder onto people who do not meet their attention expectations.

AED is also known to be contagious. An adult who does not have AED can develop this disorder from close contact with other adults who have it.

If you know an individual who suffers from Attention Expectation Disorder, reach out to them today and help them seek treatment! Together, we will find a cure!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

"Best Entries"

You may have noticed recently that I deleted some of the page tabs that used to be on my blog. I removed the Postsecret page because I decided to move those post secrets to my Pinterest account instead. I removed the Best Entries tab because the entries that I had listed as my best are from several years ago, and I know that I don't feel like keeping that page up to date. I also removed the Best Entries tab because I feel that I no longer need it. When I first added the Best Entries page, it was back when I was not writing freely on this blog about things that truly matter to me, when I was not open about the fact that everything was so personal and instead pretended to be a psychologist observing human behavior. Back then, I had several entries that really did not matter to me as much, so I felt it was important to have a list of the entries that really defined me. At this point, I am writing what truly matters to me and I am perfectly comfortable with new readers simply reading my blog beginning with my most recent posts. The two blog entries that I consider major writing projects that I worked on for months that all my readers should read are The Unencrypted Truth and Who Would I Be If I Were Radically Unschooled? and I am constantly linking back to these posts. I don't feel that I need a special link to my other best entries because, aside from the two posts that I just named, the entries that I consider the best change constantly over time, and it would be very difficult to keep that page up to date. I also don't feel that a best entries page would truly reflect my best entries if I kept it up to date, because the entries that matter most to me in a given moment have more to do with how I'm feeling at that moment and what is going on in my life than the actual quality or content of the posts. I would much rather that my new readers read a lower quality recent post about something that is currently on my mind and important to me that a higher-quality post from several years ago about something that is not currently on my mind.

But while we're on the topic of best entries, I'd like to explain how the entries that matter most to me have changed since the beginning. Aside from my two major project posts, the entries I would normally list as "best entries" were entries that were well written and sounded like they belonged in the book or magazine, rather than an online journal, such as my post defining absolute validation in my guide to self understanding. But now, that has changed. Perhaps it changed because I'm working on a book about validation, so I no longer feel the need to direct people to blog posts that are essentially going to be published in book. Or perhaps it changed simply because I always wanted this to be an online journal where I would write about whatever I wanted. But in any case I have a new definition of what I consider my "best entries" to be now. After The Unencrypted Truth and the un-schooling post, the blog posts that mean the most to me right now are the ones that clearly defined my emotional needs. One of my favorites is Activities I'm Willing and Not Willing to Do When I Feel Bad. Writing this post felt absolutely amazing because I got to clearly explain something about my emotional needs that I had been trying to explain for a very long time. After years of simply saying, "No, I don't feel up for that right now," and having to deal with people pushing me anyway, it felt absolutely amazing to clearly state what I'm willing and not willing to do based on how I feel. Another entry I'm really satisfied with is Relationships, Meeting New People, and What Really Happens Last Summer – not because of the issue I discussed in the second half of the post, involving that person, but because of the first half what I simply explained my priority list and an clearly described where a particular thing – in this case, meeting new people – fell on my list. There's just something about stating that explicitly clearly that made me feel wonderful. The same was true when I posted The Conditions of my Central Focus. Like the priority list, this was something I had written a long time ago for myself and had never had the guts to post publicly. And even though the conditions of my central focus are not really "need to know" pieces of information for people the way that the activities I'm willing and not willing to do are, it felt absolutely amazing to clearly state my needs relating to my primary passion. I think I've experienced a lot of pressure to not have the emotional needs that I do, and to be okay living without certain things. Because of this, stating my emotional needs in a clear, factual way that leaves no room for negotiation is the most freeing experience ever. Here is a list of the blog posts in which I clearly defined my emotional needs as facts:

Activities That I'm Willing and Not Willing to Do When I Feel Bad

On Relationships, Meeting New People, and What Really Happened Last Summer

Conditions of my Central Focus

How to Treat Me like I'm Untamable

These are my best entries because they state my own emotional needs as facts and do not allow room for negotiation or in any way indicate that I am actually talking about a bigger issue than myself. My own emotional needs are what I wanted to talk about all along.

[Using Dragon]

How to Train Dragon

It's been difficult trying to work Dragon into my writing schedule. Software like this would've been a lifesaver back when I was in middle school and high school, when my typing was just not up to my writing speed, when having to physically type the words that I wanted to say actually held me back. I can't say I really was good at typing until I wrote my novel back in 2009. But I got good at it since then, and I find that my words naturally flow to my fingers more than they flow through my voice when I'm writing. At first it drove me crazy to use Dragon, as it really slows me down. But I've gotten better at it. I was recently discouraged about trying to use Dragon – it felt like I was giving in by not using my hands to type at home and to do all the things that truly matter to me, but continue to use my hands at work every day. I know I don't have the option of using Dragon at work, since it would disturb other people if I were saying everything out loud, but still. I just didn't like the idea of messing with how I do my personal stuff without changing what I do at work. But when I was discouraged and talk to my friend Eli about this, they reminded me of something: I want to learn things like this on my own. I truly value experiences in which I mastered the skill on my own, without taking a class, without being expected or required to learn it. I just recently wrote about my first goal, and how much it meant to me to teach myself how to jump rope. And I realize now, after talking with Eli about it, that may be learning to use Dragon is the same. I mean, no one is forcing me to use Dragon. While it's true that my hands hurt very much when I type, it was 100% my choice to get Dragon and to learn it. And I'm always talking about how I'm not willing to go through pain or suffering for anything, so finding an alternative way to write without hurting my hands is exactly the kind of thing that I would do!

I started out practicing Dragon by speaking song lyrics, but using punctuation and quotation marks as if the song lyrics were a paragraph. I knew that this would help me to get used to using Dragon by getting used to saying things like, "Comma" "Period" "Cap" "Open Quote" without having the frustration of being slowed down in something that I really want to say. I knew that if I got good enough at using Dragon when speaking meaningless things to it, I would eventually get up to speed enough that I could use Dragon for important writing. So I found a technique that works for me, just like the way I did when I learned how to jump rope.

So on Monday night this week, I used Dragon for practically all of the writing that I did that night, which included a blog post and working on the results sections of my quiz book. It was slower than I would've liked, but not so frustrating that I just couldn't do it at all. And something amazing happened: when I went to work the next morning, my hands were significantly less sore than they normally are! All it took was ONE NIGHT of using Dragon in place of my normal personal typing routine for my hands to feel better the next day!

I know I can't always use Dragon – I can't use it when I'm writing a blog post from work, I can't use it when I'm in bed late at night because I talk louder than normal and it would most likely disturb my neighbor, and on Tuesday I did quite a bit of typing because my friend was shouting out ideas at me and it would've been too frustrating to try to coordinate Dragon while I was taking notes. But I can use Dragon for lots of things, even simple things like speaking my search terms into Google or YouTube. My hands have gotten a bit sore again because I did type on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but I am hoping that if I use Dragon for everything tonight, I'll feel an improvement tomorrow at work. If I continue to primarily use Dragon for my personal typing, I should see a huge improvement in how my hands and arms feel.

There are still a few kinks that I need to work out: I haven't figured out how to teach Dragon not to correct certain things, such as automatically changing "gonna" to "going to" or "cuz" to "because." I do not wish to be grammatically correct on my blog, and Dragon has a tendency to do everything the proper way automatically. So that's something I'll need to figure out how to fix. If I sound slightly more formal in the meantime, you'll know why. It is not intentional.

As I'm speaking this blog post right now, I feel amazing. I've made so much progress in terms of learning Dragon in such a short time. It was only a few weeks ago that I got Dragon and found it too frustrating to use for anything important. Now I'm already getting the hang of dictating with my voice, and it's starting to feel natural. I could definitely get used to this! :-)

[Using Dragon]

My First Goal

The first goal I remember achieving was teaching myself how to jump rope. I had a jump rope from a very young age, but I had never learned how to do it. I couldn't jump over it more than once in a row. For years, I wasn't particularly interested in learning how to jump rope. I found other uses for my jump rope, like tying one end to a tree and turning it while I watched my imaginary friends jump rope. They were really good at it.

At some point in 4th grade, when I was 9, jumping rope became really popular at recess. Lots of kids brought their jump ropes in from home and had contests. I spent recess watching my friends, wishing that I could join the contests too. After several days of watching, I decided that I was going to teach myself to jump rope . This wasn't peer pressure based - I didn't decide to learn because anyone pushed me to or picked on me for not knowing how. I simply didn't like to spend recess watching the other kids jump and I wanted to be able to join in. So I went home one day and decided that I would learn. 

I wasn't sure how to begin, but I knew that getting the rhythm down and knowing when to jump was essential. I knew my issue was that I couldn't manage to bring the rope back over my head and be ready to jump again after I had jumped once. First, I practiced just swinging the rope over my head several times without jumping, so that my arms could get used to what they needed to do. Then I held the rope off to the side of me with one hand and swung it around at about the same speed that I would swing it to jump rope. When the rope hit the ground, I would jump. I practiced this several times, jumping in time with the rope while I swung the rope off to the side. Then I tried jumping rope again. It still didn't work. So I practiced more jumping in time with the rope while I swung it to the side, then swung the rope over my head a few times without jumping to remind my arms what to do, then tried jumping again. I repeated this process several times, until finally, when I tried jumping rope, I kept going. I just kept jumping and jumping and jumping. I reached 42 jumps before my feet got tangled in the rope. I tried again to make sure it wasn't just a fluke, and it wasn't. I could jump rope now. It was real.

I remember feeling so incredibly proud of myself in that moment. Prouder than any school awards or praise from adults had ever made me. I came up with a method, and it worked! No school, no grownups, no youtube video tutorials. It was me. It was all me. I figured out a method of teaching myself how to jump rope, and it worked! I'm 27 now, and I still remember this as such a precious moment from my childhood. Every time I jump rope now, I remember that 9-year-old girl who taught herself how.


Monday, August 10, 2015

The Most Outrageous Things I've Ever Done

Nine years ago, a friend of mine opened a condom and left it in another friend’s laptop as a joke. It wasn’t my idea, and I was not involved in placing the condom, but I was in on the joke. For many years after that, when I was asked the question, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” in games of truth or dare and on audition forms, I automatically referenced this time, except I said that I was the one who left the condom in the laptop, rather than standing there while my friend did it. In truth, the condom prank wasn’t that special to me. I mean, sure, it was a funny story, but even if I had been the one to place the condom, it just would not have been a moment that stood out as the most outrageous thing that I’ve ever done. But because I didn’t have the story like this of my own, I felt like I needed an outrageous story up my sleeve for when people asked. Otherwise, I would just look like a goody-goody who had never done anything outrageous.

Now I can proudly say that I have TWO great answers for the question of, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” These answers are:
1. Starting a sex blog, writing about all of my wild sexual fantasies and sexual adventures, and essentially making myself into a porn star.
2. Sending The Unencrypted Truth to the top deans of my college, and letting them know that what happened to me in college will never, ever be okay.
(I’m hoping to have a third answer to this question within the next year or so, but I’ll explain my plan in another blog post).

What’s really special about these answers is that they’re mine. These outrageous things are really, truly me. They are things that actually matter to me, not just random things I did at a party so that I could say that I did something outrageous. See, even if I had been the one to place the condom in that friend’s laptop, or even if I had thought of that prank on my own, it just wouldn’t be special to me. I always felt like I was behind, like I wasn’t as cool as all my friends, even though I consider myself to be wild and untamable. And when I think about the answers that I have now to the question, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” I realize just how far I’ve come in becoming the untamable person that I’ve always wanted to be. I realize that there are different ways of being outrageous, and just because I may not seem like the outrageous one in party situations does not mean that I am any less outrageous than people who get drunk and dance on tables and are the life of the party. We all have a wide range of different answers to that question, and my answers are special to me. My answers are things that not everyone could do. I am a writer, and it’s not everyone who could write a sex blog or who could write a hundred and two page essay about their college experience and have the guts to send it to the top deans at their school. Those are my answers to the question of what’s the most outrageous thing that I’ve ever done. And when I’m asked that question again next time I’m playing truth or dare, I will answer with pride, because the most outrageous things I’ve ever done are not random things that I did one time at a party – they are some of the greatest things that I’ve achieved in my life.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject…

Never Have I Ever gotten a peeling sunburn in the United States.

That's going to be my "Never Have I Ever" from now on, because at this point I've pretty much done all of the same cool and wild stuff that all my peers have done. Of course there are things I haven't done, but in terms of things I haven't done that most of my peers have done, there just aren't that many things left. It's not like back when I was 21 and felt like I had done nothing wild compared to my friends. I've done lots of wild sexual things, probably more than the average person has. I've driven way above the speed limit, I've stolen paperclips from work to use as sex toys, I've trashed my ex's car with cereal, I've told people to go fuck a porcupine, etc. The only thing I can really think of that most people have experienced that I haven't is getting a peeling sunburn.

Next time we play truth or dare together, I hope someone asks me what's the most outrageous thing I've ever done. Because now, I finally have an answer, and it would make my younger self very proud.

[Using Dragon]

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Above and Beyond

Someday I might get married. If and when that day comes, I am going to invite all my closest friends to the wedding, and it will mean a lot to me that all of them are there.

I have a very close friend who would not enjoy going to a wedding. They will dislike it in a way that most of my friends wouldn't, and it is going to come with a lot of extra stresses that won't stress most of my other friends out. For the first few years of our friendship, I had just assumed that they would never go to a wedding. But in recent years, I asked them if they would come to my wedding, and they said yes. They said they would go because it was important to me. That meant the world to me. To know that a friend is doing something that is extra stressful for them, that is not something they really want to do, just to make me happy is very, very special. I acknowledge that it is a very big deal for this friend to come to my wedding, and I appreciate it on a different level. I appreciate it the same way I'd appreciate it if a friend traveled from very far away just to be at my wedding. Sometimes the extra effort someone makes is obvious to everyone, like if you traveled far, and sometimes that effort is less obvious. Sometimes the extra effort it takes is completely internal, where no one else can see it. No outside observer would think anything extra special of the fact that this friend came to my wedding, but I would see it as my friend going really above and beyond for me.

That's all I'm asking for when I do things that are very, very stressful in order to see my friends or to do something that is important to them. I'm not asking for anything in exchange. I don't need a parade or anything. I'd just like it to be understood, acknowledged, and appreciated when I go through a lot of extra stress for something, and not have it be treated like it's no big deal and that I should have done more.

Someday when I get married, I know that some people are going to judge my friend harshly for not dressing "properly" and not eating whatever food we serve and not participating in various parts of the party the way that other people are. They're going to think that my friend isn't making any effort. But none of those details matter to me because I know that a wedding is the last place my friend wants to be and it would just mean the world to me that they came, no matter what.

All I want is to get that same level of acceptance when I do something that's really stressful for me. I want to know that what I did will be accepted, appreciated, and that no one is going to expect more from me when I've already gone way above and beyond what I'm actually comfortable doing.

Lack of Overtness

Sometimes I wish we lived in a super overt culture where when people had events, they would say, "Extroverts only," "Low maintenance people only," "Positive people only," etc. Why? Because my life would be much easier if I actually knew where I was welcome and unwelcome, if there were no guessing games.  I would experience so much less anxiety if I knew that "open to everyone" truly meant open to everyone because it wouldn't be something people said just to be polite. It would be something people meant. I'd just like to know ahead of time when I'm not going to be welcome, and no one will ever tell me that. I don't go to things I'm not suited for. Every time I have been unwelcome somewhere or pressured to change, it was someplace that I was told was open to everyone. If an event is only for a certain type of person, I would really appreciate if people could just say that so that I can make an informed decision and so that "open to everyone" actually means something.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Fuck

WHY the fuck do I have to have my fucking period the same week that I'm going tubing down a river??? Like, talk about inconvenient timing!!!

Fortunately I know how to make it go away before Saturday. Just a little life hack I picked up. Hmm. Perhaps I should write a life hack on the other blog. I have been meaning to revamp it, and nothing's "too graphic" for that blog. Teeheehee...

My Fictional Soul Mates

Sadness (Inside Out)
Harriet the Spy
Matilda Wormwood
DW Read
Angelica Pickles
Helga Pataki
Kimmie Gibler
TJ Detweiler

Saturday, August 1, 2015

No I Ain't Followin No Rules!

Referring back to the post about treating me like I'm untamable, I just do not understand how things like the breakfast incident keep happening to me! Like, I am sooooooooooo overt about not giving a fuck about rules and that I'll do whatever I want, so how is it that I STILL get harassed to do shit I ain't gonna do with the pretext of "it's mandatory." What part of  "I don't care about rules" is so fucking confusing to everyone? Okay, I could understand someone simply informing me that breakfast is mandatory just in case I didn't know, and that might make me change my mind. There are some cases where something being mandatory does matter to me because I figure they'll be giving out information that I really need. But this was NOT a case like that. This breakfast was in the middle of the event, not at the beginning. But the night before, the group leaders emphasized that breakfast was required and said that we all had to go and they would expect to see us there, so it's not like I could have *missed* the fact that it was mandatory. And on top of this, I was stuck sharing a room with the person who was saying I had to go because it was required, which is really horrible because I did't have any privacy. If I were at my own house, I could have simply not shown up, and if people called me I could have ignored them. It's not right to take advantage of someone like that just because you've got them cornered and they don't have an option not to deal with you!

Why is it that no matter how much I talk about being untamable and not caring about rules, people are so fucking shocked out of their wits when I actually behave like the person I've been telling you I am all along???

Or like the homework thing. I SAY that I hate school and it's the least important thing to me, so why does everyone act so shocked that I ain't offerin homework help cuz I ain't never gonna have the homework done when you ask your questions? Like, it's okay to ask and all, but why the shock when my answer is no I can't help you cuz I ain't even cracked the book open? I have SAID a gazillion times that I don't give a fuck about school so why is this so fucking shocking? Could you people please open up your brains and remove the part that says "Nikki is a good student" and throw it out for fuck's sake?

So then I'm sittin at the one tiny piece of orientation I decided to go to (which was a huge mistake and I should not have gone cuz it was no fun!) and some students are talking among each other that they're not sure how to dress for some president's address that night, and one of them asked me what I'm wearing. I said that I wasn't going, but I that it seemed like a slightly nicer event than this part of the orientation. I said it probably wouldn't be super formal, like something wear you'd need to wear a dress or a business suit, it would be a little nicer than this part, so maybe black pants or a skirt would be more appropriate, but I assured them that since it was still just a campus event, there would probably be plenty of students who didn't dress up for it and were just wearing jeans. I thought I was being helpful by advising them even though I wasn't going, but everyone at the table was so fucking shocked that I wasn't showing up! Seriously, what is it that I'm doing that gives off this vibe that I'd rather sit and listen to some old guy in a suit yammer on about school stuff I don't give a fuck about when I could be at the beach instead?

It's just, I think back to the kids at my high school who never did anything and their attitude was always like "Why the fuck would I do that?" about EVERYTHING and everyone expected that outa them and they didn't get pushed around cuz everyone knew they didn't care about the rules and were like fuck the system I ain't doin shit! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE TREATED THAT WAY????????????