Saturday, December 31, 2016
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
I made it 267 days mostly following my goal, but more on that later.
For now, I want to talk about a specific issue of *why* I often did things out of guilt in the past, and I want to focus on correcting that this year.
In 2017, I am going to focus on having limitless limits. By that I mean, I am not going to place any limits on the number of limits or boundaries that I'm "allowed" to have, the number of things I can say that I don't like, or the number of things that I can say no to. The number of personal limits I can have in terms of what I am willing and unwilling to do is unlimited.
A big part of the reason I went along with things I didn't want to do prior to 2016 (mainly prior to 2015) was that I was acting as if there was some arbitrary limit on the number of times I was "allowed" to say no to things that I didn't want to do. For example, I remember one time that I agreed to get pizza and see a movie with my ex boyfriend and his parents when I really did not want to do that at all. My reasoning for going (and I was well-aware of this at the time, but did it anyway) was that I felt obligated to spend a certain amount of time with his family, even though I did not enjoy spending time with them. I felt like I had to say yes to at least some of the invitations, and pizza and a movie was acceptable. As much as I didn't want to go, I figured the next invitation could be to go camping or kayaking or to some fair that lasts all day long where I'd be stuck with them or to a huge reunion with lots of people - things that would really, really suck, and that if they invited me to something I could tolerate, like pizza and a movie - even though I don't eat any of the same kinds of pizza that they eat and I had no interest in the movie they picked and would be sleeping through it - it just wasn't as bad as the other possibilities. I felt like going to this pizza and a movie event would make it more acceptable to say no to things that were really not okay, when the reality is that I should have been able to say no as often as I wanted to.
I was acting as if I had a limited number of "No" tickets in my pockets and that using one meant I couldn't get it back, now I had fewer tickets and fewer chances to say no. If you have a limited number of times that you can say no, you end up saying yes to a lot of things that you really don't want to do because you figure something worse could always come along.
When I was a first-year student, part of our required curriculum was that we had to attend four "wellness seminars" during the school year, which were talks on campus about various topics. These talks were open to the whole school and we could go to as many as we wanted, but we were required to attend at least four. I think there were like ten or twelve events that counted as wellness seminars.
I went to the first four wellness seminars that I was able to go to. All of my classmates didn't take this approach. A lot of them looked at the list and thought about which topics interested them, and they would decide what to do based on what they liked. But since four seminars were required, it seemed to risky for me to wait and go to the ones later in the year. What if I was sick one of the days? What if I wasn't free during the time of the seminar because I had a different schedule in the second semester? What if there was something fun going on that I would have to miss out on to go to the seminar? What if I was just too busy at the time and it would be really hard on me to squeeze the seminar in? There were just too many variables to plan on attending a seminar much later in the year. So whenever a seminar came up that it wasn't a huge burden for me to attend, I attended it, until the requirement was met.
Being required to go to those seminars was sort of like having a limited number of No's. Like, if there are ten seminars and you have to go to four, then you only have six times that you can say, "No, I don't feel like going." And that's how I was behaving about a lot of things prior to 2016:
-Doing things I was never willing to do but felt obligated to do, like OT at work
-Spending time with people that I did not enjoy spending time with, like my ex boyfriend's family and some of his friends.
-Doing activities that I don't want to do in order to spend time with people I like, like when I went on that camping trip and went to drinking-based parties and events where I didn't know anyone and a number of other things.
-Acting less upset than I was about a lot of things because I felt like I had a limited number of times I could be really upset.
Going forward, I am not playing this game of imaginary "No" tickets. Going forward, there will be no limits on the number of things that I say no to.
Going forward, my limits are limitless.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Imagine that you have a recipe blog where you post all sorts of recipes that you love. It's just a generic recipe blog, you've never stated that it was for any one type of food. So you post your favorite dessert recipe, and someone comments that your recipe is not vegan because it contains butter and you should substitute olive oil instead. Now, you are not vegan. You never claimed to be vegan, and you never said that your recipe blog was for vegan food. And yet this person is informing you that your recipe is not vegan as if vegan was your goal. You explain to them that this is not a vegan recipe blog, it's just a generic recipe blog, yet they keep making the same comments, telling you all the non vegan ingredients and how to substitute them with vegan products.
This is how everyone sounds to me when they expect me to post happy things or to focus on positivity or to be any level of functional or a nice person when something is wrong. Like, when did I EVER express any desire to be any of those things? If I were a surgeon, your spleen would end up where your brain belongs. If I were a motivational speaker, I would tell everyone to fuck off and spend the rest of their lives staring at the wall doing nothing. If I were a boss, I'd fire everyone so I could be alone and have quiet. I've never expressed any desire to be a better person than that when things go wrong. I don't get why anyone would have such high expectations of me.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
Thursday, December 1, 2016
I did not put nearly as much effort into June as I did into May. I typically spend each month working on the picture for the next month, so the quality of the picture depends entirely on how much time I devoted to it. May was one of my hardcore edit months where I spent the majority of my time working on my book, so I didn't put as much work into the calendar. Since I was legitimately feeling good at the time, I decided to make this a bright, fun summer picture.
I drew in the stick figures to liven up the picture - I didn't have a particular intention, but now I think it looks like people dancing, adding to the fun theme. While I didn't do the kind of shading and blending that I did back in May, I did put similar shades of colors together to create a look of blending. For example, the orange petals on the center flower are actually two different colors - I rotated a darker orange with a lighter orange. Although each individual petal is just one color, alternating different but similar shades gives it a blended look. I did the same thing with the red and pink shapes, and the dark blue and light blue shapes that form a circle around the flower and the dancing people. I got this technique from what I did in May - prior to that, I would have used all one color, or rotated contrasting colors such as pink and green, but it would not have occurred to me to alternate similar colors. The first time I left any part of the picture white was with the eyes in May. This time I left the background of the circle of pink and blue squares white so that the colors would pop more.
This was going to be a fun month. It was already a happy month for me because I had just finished the second draft of my book. I drew in the Matilda logo for the day that I was seeing Matilda, and the Sadness and Joy fusion on the anniversary of Inside Out. I also wrote on the calendar what I see on my bathroom mirror every morning: "Every bestseller was once a rough draft."