Monday, April 25, 2016

True Stories from an Underachieving School That Was Way Better than any Goody-Goody Suckup School

[content: self-harm, suicidal thoughts]

- A student said she had to go to the bathroom and the teacher wouldn't let her. She was having her period and he finally let her leave, but some blood had leaked onto her chair. When the teacher told her to clean it, she said, "No, I'm not cleaning it. You clean it!" And she flat-out refused to clean it because it was his fault for not letting her go to the bathroom.

When someone asked her, "Weren't you embarrassed?" She said, "No, that's natural." And she looked like she was telling the truth about not feeling embarrassed because she told this story to everyone during an after-school activity, so she had the option of not mentioning it if she were embarrassed.

Now tell me: Do you know ANYONE in a good, college-bound school that would tell a teacher off like that when the teacher was being a jerkass? Anyone at all? Yeah, didn't think so.

- A teacher wouldn't let a student leave class when they were sick. This student later informed me that they were planning to stick their finger down their throat and purposely throw up on the teacher for revenge.

- Two students talked about having punched and kicked social workers who did things that they didn't like. They talked about this with pride.

- A student wanted to get her eyebrow pierced, but her mom wouldn't take her to get it done. She pierced her own eyebrow during science class by sticking a safety pin through it. This was on frog-dissection day, using a safety pin that she found on the floor in a room full of frog guts and formaldehyde. She was unfazed.

-When learning CPR and the Heimlich maneuver, one student kept making fun of the videos where the actors said, "Stay calm, I'll help," when someone was choking. She said that if someone was choking, she wouldn't help them, she'd be like, "Meh, whatever," or she'd eat the rest of their food since they wouldn't be able to finish it once they were dead (yes, I'm serious). She said this every single time it was her turn to practice CPR or the Heimlich maneuver.  She did not get into any trouble over this, and while she wasn't one of the popular kids, she didn't lose any friends as a result of talking this way.

-A few people regularly talked to me about cutting themselves and possibly wanting to slit their wrists. The possibility that I might tell a teacher or get weirded out and stop hanging out with them did not even cross their minds.

- Someone said, "I hope I get hit by a truck" out loud to the whole class. Then another person chimed in about how they were sure that they wanted to get hit by a truck even more than the first person. Let me reiterate that this was during class, with everyone listening including the teacher, and no one got in trouble.

-At a friend's summer party, someone got ice from the cooler and demonstrated to me how they liked to burn their skin with ice and salt. They explained how the ice and salt reacted together to create a burn. They explained this to me casually, the same way that I would expect someone to explain how to make a friendship bracelet.

- Someone got a book on witchcraft and legitimately believed that the spells worked. This person informed me that no one had better mess with her because she would put a curse on them. She also informed me that she had put a curse on some guy that she didn't like, and the curse had made his penis smaller.

-While helping a friend-of-a-friend move out of an apartment, the person spent the whole time screaming and ranting about everything under the sun that was going wrong in their life, and they punched a hole in the wall. They were like, "Who cares, I'm moving out, not my problem anymore," and did not care at all about the hole. We left something over the hole to hide it. I wasn't friends with this person to begin with, but the person who was their friend and witnessed all of this stayed their friend. Not after some long discussion about appropriate behavior, but because that's just what you do.

- Person A was calling Person B because they wanted to talk, but Person B texted that they were busy. Person A cut their wrist open (across the street, not down the road) and sent a picture of it to Person B, in response to Person B being too busy to talk to them. Again, these two people are still friends, not because Person B had some long discuss with Person A about appropriate behavior, but because that's just what you do.

THIS IS WHERE I COME FROM.

This is the only place that I've ever fit in. You just don't meet people like that anymore. You just don't find environments like that anymore. I'm so sick of everyone I run into being a fucking good kid who wouldn't do shit like that.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Decision

Today, I made a big decision which is that I decided to stop subscribing to what I was doing on this day years ago on Facebook. Yes, I know I said I was gonna reblog everything for the purpose of being obnoxious and showing everyone that I haven't changed or grown up at all and that, and to assert my right to post whatever I want (there's something super in-your-face obnoxious about reblogging all the negative stuff that every says they didn't wanna hear at the time. I'm seriously gonna miss that). But unfortunately, as I approach the breakup anniversary date (yes, I have to go through this a second time because first there was the week before Easter and then there's the literal date which coincides with my job anniversary, which I need to keep track of so I know when to expect my performance review), I'm realizing that all the memory stuff on Facebook is making me feel much, much worse. It's really painful to remember what I went through that year, and seeing what I wrote about it brings me back to just how bad it was. And with the FB notifications, it's not something I can prepare for. It's not like making a choice to go back on my blog and read something because the newsfeed just shows up. So I'm stopping seeing the memories for now. Don't worry, I'll come up with another way to be obnoxious and totally in-your-face at all those people in any case. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Nail Polish

I wore my pretty blue nail polish and no one even noticed it:


I mean it. NO ONE NOTICED. No one gives me attention anymore and I'm fucking sick of it.

And I solemnly swear not to ever apologize to anyone for sharing this photo of my pretty blue nail polish.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Not sorry

I am NOT sorry for what I did back in 2009. You deserved it. I'm not sorry.

Creepy

Why the fuck is it so hard for me to be creepy????

Seriously like the one time I succeeded at being creepy I got in trouble so everytime I've tried to be creepy without getting in trouble it hasn't worked, everyone just ignores me and is not creeped out. I WANT TO CREEP PEOPLE OUT. I want to make everyone so fucking scared that you wake up in the middle of the night with coldsweats. Like every scary story I've ever written has been not scary and every creepy thing I've ever tried to do has either been not creepy or gotten me into trouble. I am a writer and an artist so why is disturbing people so fucking difficult??? No its not because people are too hard to disturb because colby kids yell eek if you wear black lipstick and bentley kids yell eek at "I'm not going to the job fair" so with all these people yelling eek so easily why the fuck is it so fucking hard to actually scare people?

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Meh

The biggest lie I've ever told was, "Don't worry, it's just fictional."

I'm a good writer. I'll always get away with that. I feel bad for those who have no get out clause when they need one.

If you wanna hide it, order a pizza. Or takeout food. Or something. Just order something and then do it so then no one would ever know.

Unless you want them to know. Then don't order a pizza. Then that'd be distracting.

You're not anyone's neurotypical ally if you value everyone else's feelings more than the feelings of the person who's telling you their feelings. Not at all. Not even a teeny tiny bit of an ally.

If you don't like me driving fast then I'll drive slow. But I mean it when I say I'll drive slow. There is no in between. There is no "normal." I won't give you normal no matter how much you beg for it. We've done this for 28 years now and it won't ever change. It's called backlash. I don't leave home without it.

I only do specifics. "20 miles per hour" I can do for you. "Normal," I will not do for anyone.

Today I had to pee for like 2 hours and was literally too unmotivated to get off the couch and do it.

And they think I'm going to work tomorrow.

Fuck that.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Unproductive

The year was 2011. I spent my weekdays lying on the couch, playing on the internet, watching TV, eating junk food, and feeling all giddy as I daydreamed about seeing my boyfriend on the weekends. I wasn't working. I wasn't in school. I wasn't contributing to society. Life was good.

Okay, I shouldn't say it was perfectly good because I was honestly still depressed from college. I hadn't yet found anyone who would truly validate my feelings about what had happened, so I was still somewhat lonely and depressed as a result. But aside from that, I was doing fine. I made everyone think that I was actively looking for a job when I really wasn't because I didn't want to work. I was content to live with my parents and do zero work and contribute nothing to society and focus all of my energy on being all giddy and infatuated with my boyfriend. Life was good.

Then my 5-year class reunion rolled around. Now, I should mention that I've never been the competitive type. I didn't like being a "top student." I never really wanted to be in the National Honor Society and I hated that I had to get an award in front of the whole school for being in the top 10 of my class. I didn't care about anything like that. I wanted to make it as a Broadway star, not an academically successful student who goes to college and gets a "good" job. I never thought I'd be the type to be embarrassed about not having a job yet. As someone who wanted to be a Broadway star, I would think that having any job that did not involve being a Broadway star should be as equally embarrassing as having no job at all. But as the 5-year reunion approached, I began to feel uneasy about being unemployed. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't even know what field I was going into. All I knew was that when I told people that I was "Looking for a job," it was a lie.

In preparation for the class reunion, I reminded myself that I had written a novel. Sure, it was June and I had finished the novel back in January, but no one had to know it. I would talk about my novel as if I had just finished it, as if that was what I had been spending all my time on rather than sitting on the couch watching TV and daydreaming about my boyfriend for those five months.

It wasn't that anyone said anything bad to me at the reunion. But I certainly was not as immune to the societal pressure as I thought I would be. (I say societal pressure rather than peer pressure because no one actually commented on the fact that I didn't have a job or pushed me in any way - it was the society I lived in that made me feel like something was wrong with me that I didn't have a job yet when everyone else did, especially when I graduated 8th in my class and got a medal for that in front of the whole school. There's a lot of pressure to live up to that title, even if I never wanted it). I got home from the reunion feeling like I NEEDED to do something with my life. The reunion just affirmed to me that I was actually a full year out of college - a little too long to feel comfortable being "just out of college" and that was why I didn't have a job and wasn't heading anywhere yet.

I talked to my parents about how I was feeling and how I had no idea what to go or where to go. The problem was that I had an undergrad degree in a field that I did NOT want to go into, and I didn't have much work experience. I NEVER WANTED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, but I felt like I had no choice if I wanted to get a good job. I was dreading thinking about my future because I had this deep, dark feeling that if I wanted a job that wasn't minimum wage and that had normal hours, I was going to need another degree. I had always done work for my dad off and on, and I knew it was work I could do, work that didn't drain me, which was my number one priority. That was how I decided to go back to school and get a business degree - so that I could get a job. All the business jobs required business degrees. Most only required bachelor's, but my bachelor's was in psychology, and I didn't want to work in psychology. So I got my application in quickly and got accepted to grad school that coming September. I knew that for the next year and a half, life was gonna suck.

The truth is, I'm happy with where I am now. I'm glad that I have my own apartment and a steady, stable job. My dream is still to become a full-time writer, but for now, I love my coworkers and my job itself is actually not bad (it used to suck, but I got a much better-fit job in my department last September, and life has been much better since then). But I mean it seriously when I say that it was NOT worth going through what I went through to get here. I was just out of college. I was finally done with the fucking school system for good and ready to do what *I* wanted to do with my own life, which did NOT involve getting a job and being a productive member of society or doing any kind of work whatsoever, but involved lots of writing and daydreaming and just plain having fun. I was NEVER willing to sacrifice another year and a half of my life to the fucking school system, to have my priorities in someone else's order, to put my personal dreams on the back burner yet again. It was not worth it.

And what triggered me to get off the couch and do something "productive" with my life was that class reunion. It was seeing that everyone else was being productive and I wasn't. I was "supposed" to be productive because I was 8th in my class. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I'd never gone to that class reunion. I wonder if maybe I would not have sacrificed that year and a half of my life that I was never willing to sacrifice. I wonder if I'd still just be having fun instead of spending 40 hours a week being productive.

And that's what worries me about attending my upcoming 10-year reunion. I wanna go, but at the same time, I know that my entire life course got majorly screwed up as a result of going to my 5-year reunion. I went from doing no work at all to doing tons of work, all triggered by the social pressure I faced at that reunion. I had no life plans other than to keep sitting on the couch doing no work as long as I could, and the next thing I knew I was applying to grad school and then looking for a full-time job. I went from hiding from adulthood and all responsibility to actually acting like a responsible adult. It fucking sucked. And it makes me scared to go to another reunion because I don't ever want something like that to happen ever again.

Introvert Test

I finished reading Susan Cain's book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.  Amazing! A lot of stuff I already knew, but I also learned about even more ways that the US is extrovert-centric, with things that I didn't even stop and think were associated with introversion and extroversion. I'm going to write more about the book later. For now, this is the quiz that is used in the book to determine if you're an introvert or extrovert:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/quiet-the-power-introverts/201103/quiz-are-you-introvert-or-extrovert-and-why-it-matters

I don't want to copy and paste the list to my blog since I didn't write it, but here are my answers:

1. Yes (Depends on what the group activity is, but yes in general).
2. Yes.
3. Yes.
4. 1/2 Yes, 1/2 No. I definitely care less about status than most of my peers do, in terms of social status and moving up in a company. I would say I care more about fame than my peers do - there are certain niches where my peers also cared about fame, like in drama club, but most peer groups, I'm one of the only ones who dreams of being famous. As for money, I'd say it's a halfway split between which peers we're talking about. I'm not a fast-track or rat-race person - I'm not super motivated to work hard and work long hours and rise up to the top of a company like many of my peers are, but I also am more concerned with financial stability than many of my peers are, which is why I chose to get a stable day job at an office instead of being a freelance writer on commission, which some of my peers are doing. It really just depends which peer group I'm with. So half and half for this one.
5. Yes.
6. Yes.
7. Yes.
8. Yes.
9. No.
10. No.
11. Yes. I was questioning this one because I have discussed my book with people before it was done, but I realize the only reason I've done that is because I knew that my book would take more than a year to complete, and that's way too much time for me to go not talking about something important. If I'm working on a piece that I will finish in a few weeks, or even a few months, I much prefer not to discuss it with anyone until I'm done. Even with my book, I've only discussed it with select people until I was very close to the end. Throughout my life, I never wanted anyone looking at my work in school until it was finished, even work that I didn't care about. So I'd say that this is true about me. It's just that when it comes to projects that take a really long time, my desire for the short-term gratification of talking to someone outweighs my desire to keep it private until I'm done.
12.Yes. (But this doesn't mean I'll go along with things I'm not okay with for the purpose of avoiding conflict. At least, I don't want it to. I want to stand up for myself a lot more than I currently am).
13. Yes.
14. No.
15. Yes.
16. 1/2 Yes, 1/2 No. When a friend or family member calls me on my cell phone nowadays, I pretty much always answer unless I can't, because I always want to talk to the people I'm close with. However, I do let calls go to voicemail and call back at work because I hate being interrupted to have to deal with people. Right now I have a very small group of friends who call me, so I don't get as many phone calls now as I used to when I was in school. But back when I got a lot more phone calls, I did let a lot of them go to voicemail.
17. Yes. This is true now because I'm feeling well. Sometimes I feel the opposite when I'm really lonely, but my normal answer to this question is yes. Also, too much stimulation is still a major problem even if I'm lonely and want to be with my friends, whereas a weekend with nothing to do is only a major problem if I'm lonely, otherwise it's generally okay.
18. Yes.
19. No.
20.Yes.

So this comes to 15 out of 20, 75%. Surprisingly the same as my latest Myers-Briggs test, which says I'm 74% introverted. The Big Five test usually says I'm 40-50% introverted, so it really depends how you're measuring.

Anyway, I wanna work on my own book, but more on Quiet later, and on how it gave me some great ideas for my book!