Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Diminishing Returns

EVERY SINGLE TIME that something bad has happened to me, the support always has a rate of diminishing returns. That means that when the bad thing first happens, everyone is very supportive, but after time passes (not very much time), everyone just expects me to be back to normal again.

NO. I AM NOT GETTING BACK TO NORMAL ANYTIME SOON.

Did you know that after the breakup, people actually expected me to act like a civilized human being again when it hadn't even been a full year since we broke up? Yeah, FUCK THAT.

I am not accepting this rate of diminishing returns. I will be sad and non-functioning for as long as I want to and no one gets to treat me as if everything is normal because it's not.

Monday, October 24, 2016

2001 Curse

The food itself was not cursed - it was a combination of having a less-than-normal desire to eat, and that issue of everything being higher stakes and that it was just more important for everything to be exactly right.  When I'm sick and don't feel like eating anything at all, there are still certain foods that you could tempt me with. Kind of like the way Grandma ate half of a Boston cream doughnut the last time that I saw her conscious. When I don't want to eat at all, the only things I will eat are really good things. Nothing in the middle. Nothing meh. Nothing that's not quite perfect. That's why all food sucked back in 2001. Call it a curse.

The fact that I have more control over that this time, that I can eat pizza and ice cream as often as I want now, is a good thing. Because if I didn't have that control, I would not be eating anything at all.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

January 25, 2001

You are cursed. Yes, that's right. I'm agreeing with you. I'm not here to tell you that you're wrong, that you're too young to understand, that you haven't experienced enough of the world to say that you're cursed. But you are right to think you're cursed. You just don't understand what's behind it, what's causing it. Here's what's going on:

Other people are grieving just like you are, and now they don't have as much energy to devote to you as they normally would. They aren't in good moods, and they just don't have it in them to be there for you the way that you need them to be. When you combine that with the fact that you need them more now than ever, you have a problem. So when you notice that everything isn't the same, that people aren't treating you the same, that nothing is quite as fun as it used to be, you would be right. Call it a curse or whatever you want to call it, but I assure you that it is happening, you're not just imagining it.

You are not a functional person when bad things happen, and no one is giving you the break that you need. As a result, everything will fall apart. Of course you're not going to be able to handle all your schoolwork (which there was already too much of) while this is happening. Of course you're not going to remember to bring your books home the night before an exam. That's too much to handle. Call it a curse if you want to, but it's really a matter of not being able to take all the time you need and having people place unrealistic expectations on you, such as that you will get all your work done and get good grades.

Your immune system is suffering from all of the stress you are under from being expected to function, which is why you get sick all the time now. Call it a curse.

There are some times when things are just more important than they are at other times. Like if you hit a traffic jam while you're on the way to the hospital and you're about to go into labor, that's obviously a bigger problem than if you ran into the same traffic jam on your way to meet your friend for coffee. Even similar situations can have factors that make something more or less of a big deal - if you have an understanding boss, hitting a traffic jam on your way to work will be less of a problem than if you have a boss who is going to yell at you for being one minute late. There are situations in which the traffic jam would truly be a curse and screw you over, and other times when it just wouldn't matter as much. Right now, you are in a state where everything is more important than ever, and when things go wrong, it is a mega-crisis because it was just way more important for those things to go right this time. It's not always that bad things are literally happening more often, it's that they are having more of an impact because everything is more important than ever. Call it a curse.

You are cursed. I will never tell you that you weren't. It's just a different kind of curse than you were thinking.

Live from the Bounciest Couch and Best Stage on Earth

Oh when I started my Cinderella rules
I made up so many new things
But there's one old thing that I could never forget
Years back, years back, years back
It's a song along here that some have never heard before

We play with I don't wanna tell
We have some nasty ones too
We have jotsy days
Backwards days too
But mostly Cinderella days!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

2001

Sweetie, I just want to tell you that you're right - you are cursed. It's a horrible curse, and it's a very real curse. Don't let anyone talk you out of that reality. It is reality. It's yours. You are cursed. You know it. You're right about it.

You're saying it wrong because you don't understand it, you don't know what it is. But it's real.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

NEVER.

I will NEVER grow up and take responsibility for anything. Everything that happens to me is not my fault, I only function when things are going well externally, if you haven't figured that out by now then I suggest you get some help for your drug problem because you must be trippin on some serious acid to think I would ever function.

I DO NOT ACCEPT BEING DITCHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only function when things are going well and YOU KNOW THAT FIRST HAND!!!!!! How much more first hand can you get? There are only 3, maybe 4 other humans on the entire planet that had more first hand experience than you. On the entire planet.

Well, I've certainly had way more people ditch me than people who've stayed with me, but I never in a million years imagined who it would be.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Edge

I feel like I'm on the edge right now - I could potentially slip into that super dark place I was in during the breakup or in college, but I'm in this middle ground area right now where I could potentially not go that route. Here's what I'm thinking:

Halloween Fun:
September was a HORRIBLE month, I literally have not had a single good weekend since Labor Day. That's NOT gonna fly anymore. (The reason for this is that I wasn't feeling well enough to do anything during most of September. I think I feel well enough now to do some fun things, but nothing extremely high-stim). Here's what I want to do this October:
-Go to Witches Woods (or Spookyworld, or someplace similar)
-Have a scary-movie Halloween party at my house where we watch Don't Look Under the Bed, which is my new favorite scary movie.
-Go to Salem as Matilda on Halloween (I've already spoken to my boss about using a few hours of vacation time to leave early that day, but it will depend on when my friends get out of work).

Personal Fun:
-The coloring calendar. I have a super super awesome idea for November, so I'd like to spend a lot of this month working on that. If I finish early, I can start on December.
-Redecorating. I love my Inside Out motif, but I'm ready for a change so I'm going to redecorate my apartment to more of a mixture of different things, and also decorate the place for Halloween.
-More art projects for the apartment - I have a cool idea for a personality-quiz illustration type of art project.
-More art to give to family and friends.

Work Stuff

To all the people I work with who complain about their troubles a lot:

There is nothing wrong with complaining a lot. Your feelings are valid. Totally valid. I would never ever ever want you to not complain and put yourself through what I put myself through when I was new, using so much of my limited energy trying to act okay when I wasn't. The reason that I get annoyed sometimes when I hear people - especially new people - complain so much at work, especially complaining about work at work, is because I would have had such a better experience if I had behaved the way you're behaving now, back when I was new. When I see how other people feel perfectly comfortable complaining all they want at work, it makes me angry that I put myself through hell for over a year to make a good impression, when maybe I didn't have to. It bothers me that I did not feel entitled to complain as much as I wanted to when other people do feel that entitled. It's not that I ever want you to stop feeling entitled - it's just that your entitlement makes me feel like I put myself through hell for nothing, that if I had been my real, entitled-to-complain-all-I-want self from the start, I would have been fine, I would not have put my job security at risk, and I would be in the same shape that I'm in right now in terms of my job security and what I'm getting paid. That's why I get annoyed. But it's never about you. Your complaints are always valid, and I don't actually want you to stop.