Saturday, January 14, 2017

Mehmehmehmehmehmeh

Foam pits are fun. You can climb to the top of the rock wall and pretend you're jumping off a cliff and be like, "Fuck the world!" and fall and fall and fall and it's such a fucking thrill to get to do that without the inconvenience of being dead afterwards. And no I won't actually, but foam pits are fun. And no I'm not gonna go talk to someone about it bc I've seen lots of people and they're all fucking jerks and that is NOT my fault, I will never take no responsibility for other people being invalidating jerks to me and telling me that things like the radical unschooling lifestyle didn't exist when it actually did. Like I literally described exactly that as a kid and it was like no that doesn't exist while it did exist. Like if some little kid comes up to me and is like, when i grow up i wanna take care of sick people and give them medicine and put casts on broken legs, and I said to the little kid nope, can't do that, there is no such job like that that exists in the world, well that wouldn't be very nice of me would it? but that's what the child counselors did to me essentially so fuck them. Fuck the system. I will always always always say fuck the system and fuck all authority and I will never ever ever outgrow that. I mean it. It's all the system's fault, not mine, we're all products of circumstances and I'm not taking any responsibility beyond that. But anyway foam pits are fun but I'm not going back because I can't jump anymore. I drove all the way to altitude for a special treat and then I go and find out I can't jump anymore just like when riley can't play hockey anymore. I guess trampoline island is shattered. Family island is like one third there, friendship island is smaller because less people, writing island is like sorta surviving but it's in a dull state of being, and everything else is gone. Everything else has withered away including party island and vacation island and being a reliable person island and goal-setting island and everything else and pretty soon I'm gonna be islandless, and yes i just made up the word islandless sorrynotsorry if you got a problem with that bc fuck grammar and fuck the system and fuck everything and i will never ever ever outgrow that ever. but yeah i'm gonna be like riley when she goes all blank with no islands left but at least sadness isn't fucking lost, it's joy who's lost and she can stay lost because i can't fucking stand people like joy right now, i can't stand our culture being run by all these peppy happy bounce-backers. Everyone clings to the idea that I'm gonna be happy and perky again and i'm not. like never ever ever and i don't get why thats so fucking incomprehensible to you fucking earthling humans. like if I'm happy ONE TIME in a month or something, you all fucking cling to it like you think that's my normal state of being. Stop clinging. Just stop clinging to this idea that I'm a happy person because I'm not. And don't you dare apply growth mindset and add the word "yet" to the end of that statement either. MY NORMAL STATE OF BEING IS "MEH" Got it? Meh is my normal neutral state when nothing good or bad is influencing me either way. On a mood scale of -10 to +10, my "normal" state of being is a zero. And it goes up and down depending on what's happening externally. So for starters, I don't know why the fuck it's so difficult to understand "what's wrong" right now and why people keep asking if I'm tired or something new bad happened like they can't fucking remember THREE MONTHS AGO, but also I don't fucking get it why anyone is expecting me to be at a +10 anyway. What the fuck awesome life even has happened anytime recently that would make me be at a +10? If nothing bad were happening, I would be at a zero, unless something good were happening. Don't you dare go around thinking that my normal state of being is anything above a meh because it's not!!!!! Stop thinking it is cuz it's not. and oh sorrynotsorry you thought i'd use paragraph breaks to make this easier to read well i ain't doing that, i ain't doing nothing for no one and no ain't gonna sound like that whole publishable quality writing thing that i can apparently do bc talk about functional! yeah whatevs but i ain't functional, I ain't positive, i'm gonna be coddled and be in safe spaces all i want and fuck the system and trust no one except trustworthy people and fuck everything else. Don't you dare go thinking i'm gonna turn better than this cuz I'm NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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