Saturday, January 28, 2017

Birthday Party List

Date: Saturday, Feb 18, 2017 (Snow date on Sunday, but only if there is a huge blizzard)
Time: 1:00 PM till Late
Theme: Here's to Never Growing Up!

Activities:
-Game of Things
-Apples to Apples
-What's Yours Like
-Others: I want to only do games at the party that are the social interactive type where we get to be creative make up our answers, so things like the ones I listed as opposed to games like Sumuko or Tapple or Catch Phrase. I realized I only have three games that are this type (Telestrations works too, but one of my friends isn't able to play that game), so I'm gonna browse online and in stores and see if I can find more of these types of games before the party. I'm looking for something very specific that can be played with a very small group and doesn't involve writing or drawing by hand (or that part can be adjusted) and has this specific type of interactive-ness. I have a couple games in mind already, so I'll see where I can find them!

Decorations:
-Print more memes. I tried printing my Eeyore meme at Staples for my desk and it came out really nice! I have some other memes and webcomics that would look really nice on my walls and fit my party theme perfectly, so I'm gonna get a bunch more of those!
-Finish my "Unschooler at Heart" banner and make some more things like that. I kind of rushed on making lots of signs for the New Year's Eve Party, and I want to make more decorations that convey the same message but also look nice enough to be permanent decorations on my walls.
-Print a few of my documents, specifically my priority list and my conditions of a central focus list. These things are important to me and I'd like to have them on my walls, and they fit the theme.
-Write a new version of why I never plan to grow up and print that in color for the walls.
-Move everything around - every time I have something new to put up, I sort of just squeeze it in where there's a free space. I may want to just take everything down and rearrange it completely so that I can decide where I want the focus of the room to be. Basically, I want to do all wall decorations that not only fit the theme of the party, but also can stay on my walls as just apartment decorations. I'm in the process of redecorating right now anyway, so I'm hoping to do both at once.
-Do something new with the bathroom mirror. It's been a while since I've drawn or written on it.
-Grab all the decorations off my desk at work and bring them home. I want everyone to see my current calendar and my new art project, both of which I keep at work. I'll set a reminder for myself to take those things home on the Wednesday of that week.
-Extras go on the background space. I have lots of party decorations that I've collected over the years: stars, glittery garlands, unused party plates that I now put on the walls, etc. If I end up using these things, they will go on the background spaces, like the kitchen cabinets or in the bathroom, rather than in the main party area. I want to keep my main area focused on the theme of Here's to Never Growing Up!

General:
-Go through all of my party-planning books and room-decorating books for more ideas, because rereading those books around my birthday always feels warm and cozy, like watching Christmas movies near Christmas.

I took the day off on my real birthday, Feb 17th, because it falls on a Friday this year, so I'll have that whole day to make my cake and prepare and my parents are gonna come over that day so they can see my decorations! I think I'm gonna take the Friday before my birthday party off every year, even if it doesn't fall on my real birthday. It makes things so much easier when I have a full day off the day before!

New Plan

So, back when I was in school, I always had a long list of things that I wanted to do over the summer. It always included some of everything:

-Places I wanted to go, like the beach and amusement parks.
-Practicing acting, singing, and dancing (these things were the focus of my life back in high school)
-writing projects for my journals
-making up jumping tricks on the trampoline
-art projects
-decorating my room
-ideas I wanted to try from American Girl Magazine, such as crafts and recipes
-books to read
-movies to watch

I never did every single thing on my list (these were very long lists), but I got through a lot of things, and it felt so good to be able to check things off that I wanted to do.

I've decided that I want to do that again - not just for summer specifically, but I want to have an ongoing list of things that I want to do, and then check them off. This used to make me feel so good in the summers, I think it would make me feel good now and help me to focus on who I want to be and what I want to do.

During the school year, I often used to keep lists in my journal that I called "Friday Lists." These were shorter lists of things that would pop into my mind that I wanted to do but didn't have time to do at the moment, so that when I did have more time on the weekend, I would remember what I wanted to do.

Now that I have more time to do things, I've sort of lost track of my goals and I often end up crashing and not doing much because I don't have that list of fun things that I want to work on. So, I've decided to start keeping a list of things I want to do. I haven't decided yet whether I want this to be just an ongoing list that I check things off of, or if I want to divide it up by months. I think months might be a better idea because I know I worked well when I felt like I had to get everything into summer that I could. And there are some goals that specifically need to be done within a certain time frame, such as making holiday gifts for people or planning my birthday party. What I'll probably do is set up a new folder in my Word files for these monthly lists, and at the end of each month, anything I haven't done but still want to do will get bumped to the next month. I think this will work better because in my journals, the lists were there permanently and I crossed out what I had done with just one line, but I could still look back and read my old goals and remember what was important to me at the time. Since my computer files are like my journal now, I'd like to do the same thing, be able to cross things out like this but still be able to read them. Or maybe I'll highlight the things I've already done. Yeah, that may work better because I love to color-code things. I'll decide. But anyway, I'm not going to post these lists on my blog because some of the things are very personal and also because I don't want to feel any sort of outside pressure of other people knowing what my goals are. But I may post some of them on occasion, since this is sort of a journal but different. But yeah, I think this will make me feel much better and help me have the kind of life that I want to have. I'm gonna start my February list today, and I'll start a separate list for birthday-party-planning.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

No, I Won't Remove the Scrunchie

[Note: This is not specifically about any of my current close friends, this is about past people and society at large.]

When I was a kid, I went to a strict K-8 school where we all had to wear uniforms, and they were really strict about jewelry and makeup as well. I was never okay with this. I always wanted to stand out and get attention and I hated looking like everyone else. I told this to everyone the whole time I was there. Then one day, towards the end of 5th grade, I decided I had had enough of blending in. One of the few things we didn't have rules about was how we could wear our hair. I had previously just worn my hair down every day with a soft headband because it was comfy that way, but now I was gonna wear wild styles every day.

The very first wild style I tried out was simply tying a scrunchie around the bow on one of my flat headbands. The bow normally laid flat on my head, so the scrunchie made it pop up, like I had a little pom-pom on top of my head. It definitely stood out. When I first wore it to school, everyone asked me why I had the scrunchie on my head. I answered, "Because it makes my headband look fancier." And every single person told me that my headband looked better before. But here's the thing - I had been wearing that headband for years, YEARS before this moment, and no one had ever complimented me on it. No one had ever commented on my hair or any of my hair accessories before I put that scrunchie in. To claim that my headband looked "better" before meant absolutely nothing to me. I knew there was no way in hell that I would suddenly start getting lots of attention for the old headband - it was just their way of getting me to take off the scrunchie.

The same thing happened throughout the rest of my years at that school - everyone kept pushing me to stop wearing the wild styles and telling me how pretty my hair looked when I wore it in a simpler way. But I had worn simple styles for SEVEN YEARS and no one ever gave me attention for them. And whenever someone complimented me on the simple styles that I still wore once in a while, it was a backhanded compliment like, "SEE! Your hair looks sooooooo pretty when you wear it just in a ponytail, you should do that all the time!"

My response to that, and to all other situations like this one, is that you had your chance. If you liked me "better" before I started doing the behavior that you didn't like, you had plenty of opportunities to give me loads of attention and validation and meet my emotional needs. But you didn't. You made a choice not to do those things, so I've made a choice as a result of your choices, and I'm not turning back. I will never EVER turn back. And no, I won't remove the scrunchie.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

For Real

I. Will. Not. Be. Positive. No. Matter. What.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Go-to Movies

Validating Movies:
Inside Out
Mary and Max
The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Depressing Movies that Help with Sinking Further:
Painful Secrets
A Secret Between Friends
The Perfect Body
Dying to Dance
Speak
Odd Girl Out
Cyberbully

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Island Fractions

1/3 + 1/6 + 1/4 = 4/12 + 2/12 + 3/12 = 9/12 = 3/4

I am operating on a total of only 3/4 of one personality island right now.

Remember Riley without her islands? It's gonna be the same. But more so.

Thoughts on the No-Guilt Resolution for 2016

Here's what I feel like happened with my resolution to not take actions based on guilt last year:

(Note: I'm using a hypothetical example related to work, but this issue is not just about work, it exists in every area of my life).

Let's say that every single time something went wrong in my life, I took time off from work. I ended up taking lots and lots of days off, more than anyone considered "acceptable." This annoyed a lot of people. Now, I believed that I was entitled to take all of that time off. It was not something that I wanted to feel guilty about, but I ended up feeling guilty because I knew that other people disapproved of it. So as a result of that guilt, I ended up compensating for the time I took off by working extra hours on the days that I did go in. I was extra nice and accommodating to everyone, I offered to take on every project that came my way. Basically, every day that I did go to work, I went above and beyond in trying to make a good impression to offset all those days that I took off.

Imagine that this went on for several years, and when it got to be 2016, I said enough is enough. I want to feel entitled to take off all the time I need to take off, and I am making myself miserable by trying to compensate for it. I don't want to work extra hours and be extra nice and go above and beyond on the days that I do show up to work. This year, I'm going to take all the time off that I want without compensating for it out of guilt.

But 2016 turned out to be a very good year for me - I didn't have as many bad things come up, so I didn't need to take as much time off. And since I didn't take as much time off, I didn't feel the need to do those compensating behaviors that I had wanted to quit. So 8 months go by, and I'm feeling great. Life has been so much better since I've stopped working those extra hours and being extra nice and going above and beyond at work.

Then something bad happens. The first bad thing in a long time. And I need a lot of time off from work - more time than I've needed in the entire year. And as soon as I take that time off, I revert back to feeling guilty and compensating for that guilt at work.

That's why I don't feel like I can write off going to the wedding when I didn't want to as a one-time slip-up. It was more than that. It's that most of the behaviors that I've done based on guilt were compensations - things that I did to make up for non-socially approved things that I wanted to feel entitled to do, but I didn't. And I went a long time without doing those bad behaviors because nothing was wrong, but the second that something was wrong, the second that I would start behaving badly again, I started the compensating behaviors again. And that's why it doesn't feel so much like yay I lasted 267 days without acting out of guilt, it's more like I went 267 days without doing any bad behaviors that caused me to feel the need to act of guilt.

Cliff

I feel like I fell off a cliff and people are expecting me to just be back up at the top and no one has bothered to consider that maybe I broke all my bones from the fall and can't physically get back up there again, so I found a way to project this hologram version of myself at the top of the cliff so everyone thinks I'm up there but I'm actually not.

Every. Single. Time.

Every time that something super bad has happened to me, this is how things go:

1. People are initially sensitive to the issue and ask me what's wrong and stuff.
2. People reach a point where THEY decide that enough if enough and they're sick of hearing me complain so they either:
   A. Defriend me.
   B. Ignore me until I start talking about happy stuff again, like cute little puppies.
   C. Send me a message yelling at me that it's not okay to be acting how I'm acting and posting the      stuff I'm posting.

I have never been through a bad experience where these three things did not happen. NEVER. In my entire life. Back before Facebook existed, my friends pulled an intervention on me in the cafeteria at school, and what they said was very similar to the messages I got back in 2014.

I've had two people defriend me since I got the news about my grandma. The second one just happened a few days ago. So they must have only liked my good circumstances instead of liking me. Or maybe they thought I was mature and would come around eventually. NEWSFLASH: I will NEVER come around. I will always be fuck the system and pro-complaining and a better Facebook warrior than anyone else you'll ever meet. (Think you could make a better FB warrior than me? I CHALLENGE YOU!)

But yeah, I AM NOT GOING TO STOP AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT BEING DEFRIENDED, IGNORED, OR GETTING CRITICIZING MESSAGES AS A RESULT OF ME NOT STOPPING.

I've decided that if I get ignored until I do happy things, I will call people out on that behavior.

If I get any kind of mean messages, I will inform the sender that writing whatever I want is a form of virtual bleeding but as a result of their criticism I will choose to actually cut my skin open and bleed for real and I will send them a graphic photo that will give them nightmares for the rest of their lives.

I mean it. I'm not stopping. Everything I do this year - every blog post, FB post, book, story, and piece of art that I produce is going to be inherently dark and that's just how things are gonna be, no cute kitties or rainbows or cotton candy or happy stories or anything like that. 

Work Stuff

No chewing gum.
No eating.
No drinking anything hot.
No drinking anything through a straw.
No drinking anything with ice.
No coughing.
No sneezing.
No stacking papers.
No stapling.
No dropping your shoes when you sit down.
No talking above a whisper.
No phones left on.


Being Proactive Gets You Nowhere!

Being proactive gets you nowhere. At all. Ever. I was proactive when I heard the news about my grandma. I made it clear to everyone that I would not be okay, that my behavior was going to change dramatically, and that no one should have any expectations that I would behave the way I used to. I told this to EVERYONE, including people I'm not even friends with and barely talk to at all. I told absolutely everyone I interact with that I would never be the same again and that I was not accepting  ANY form of criticism about my changes behavior. I even referenced the fact that I got 4 Cs and a D on my report card after my grandpa died and it was never okay for anyone to push me to get better grades or expect any better behavior of me. I act how I feel and no one has any business criticizing me or having higher expectations of me. I was PROACTIVE and said this to absolutely everyone even people I barely know, I said it BEFORE my behavior would even begin to change. It didn't make any difference. None at all. To this day I have never had a bad life event where I didn't have to also deal with people criticizing me for my react to said event, and all the changes in my behavior. Being proactive got me nowhere at all.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Zoomed in All the Way, the Good Ole Days!

We're in Sterling now

Viva!

And in Leominster

Viva!

We'll never be too far apart

We're in Sterling now

Viva!

And in Leominster

Viva!

You'll always be there in my heart!

I'm Gonna Dress Wild at Work from Now On

Nice While It Lasted

2016 Was a nice year of thoughtful editing. 2017 will be a year of screaming just as loud as I did in 2014, you might wanna buy some earplugs if you don't want your hearing to be permanently damaged. I mean that.

That's Funny

Someone actually thought I was gonna stop screaming on Facebook. I think they must be on crack to think that.

Tantrum

Tomorrow I'm gonna break all my glasses and dishes and jars of stuff really violently on the floor and film myself doing it and post it here so everyone will see it.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Blue

Most blue liquids are toxic, and I'm cool with that.

I'm Disgusted by YOU!

I have no issue AT ALL with this girl's attitude, it's Supernanny who disgusts me by having expectations of her:


I hope this girl NEVER grows up and gets mature because she clearly doesn't want to and it's not okay to push her to!!!!

Excuses

ALL EXCUSES ARE VALID. People have reasons for doing things, those reasons are all legitimate. I'm so fucking sick of people saying that people are just using things as an excuse. Yes, this bad thing happened to me, I do NOT function when bad things happen, so it is my excuse and that is fine!!!! STOP acting like there's something wrong with making excuses. There is nothing wrong with it!!!!!

Peter Pan

"The moment where you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever being able to do it."

True Story.

Creepy Zombie Things

Jimmy Neutron: One of Us
Fairly Odd Parents: Mooooving Day
Phil of the Future: Halloween
Even Stevens: A Very Scary Story

And let's not forget Flappy Bob's Learnatorium! 

Long Drives

Those were looooooooooooooooooooong drives from Waltham to home and I was on the phone the whole time with you like HELLO WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO MARRY???? and everything under the freaking sun like how could ANYONE not understand that????

Person A: Hello. I am here to install an erupting volcano in your bedroom. That will cost you $3,000.

Person B: Sounds Great! Here's the money, I'll be eating a sandwich and playing on my cell phone while you do that.

Later....

Person B: So this random person came over and stole my money and put a fucking volcano in my bedroom! WTF man????

Memory

I am deeply concerned with the long-term memory loss that most earthlings seem to suffer from. You all should probably see a doctor about that.

Super Complicated Logic Puzzle that Practically No One Gets Right!

Hey Kids! It's time to try out this super-complex logic puzzle that almost no one can answer! Don't feel bad if you get it wrong, it's extremely difficult:

Sally goes to the store and buys 45 apples and 5 oranges. If you had to guess which fruit Sally prefers, you would guess:

A. Apples.
B. Oranges.

Did you guess apples? Congratulations!!!!!! You are smarter than most adults!!!!!

Most adults will look at someone like me who posts 90% negative things and think that I actually have an interest in becoming positive but you kids would never make that mistake because you use logic and you are sooooooooooooo smart!!!!

Walking Out

If ANYONE criticizes me tomorrow, I am walking out and never going back. Never. I should have known pretending to be nice and agreeable and cooperative would be bad because it would set a precedent but i was fucking stupid and i am so fucking done i don't care if people are older than me i ain't respecting you if you don't respect me and you are not respecting me right now at all so i am DONE.

Reaction Buttons

FB reaction buttons are the dumbest thing ever invented bc no one fucking uses them!!!!! No one. It's like, I thought the point of those buttons was to help people react to things that they didn't have words for, but noooooooooooooooooooo even that's too much work everyone just wants to see cute little puppies. Tomorrow I'll try cute little kitties then maybe cute little bunnies and so on and so on and then i'll show the world that I'm RIGHT when i say that people only talk to me when i'm happy or when they are pretending that im happy when i'm not. and again, I AM NOT ACCEPTING ANY TYPE OF CRITICISM FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Happy Things Here

I'm never doing anything happy ever again. I'm not smiling at anyone, I'm not answering the phone in a friendly tone, I'm doing anything at all that sounds even the teensiest bit happy. For anyone. Ever. And that includes babies and elderly people, I won't smile at them either. I told EVERYONE that I had a weak immune system and how I was sick constantly after my grandpa died for a year and a half and that they needed to not bring any germs near me the same way that you don't bring germs near a baby or an elderly person. But they did! People who were very very very sick came over and breathed on me and stood way too close and touched my stuff and forced me to touch their stuff WHEN I SAID I HAD A COMPROMISED IMMUNE SYSTEM!!!! You know, whenever someone brings in a baby and everyone crowds around like awww look at the cute little baby there are ALWAYS people who say, I'm not gonna get close because I have a cold. Sometimes they'll say they're not getting close because they feel a cold coming on or they're getting over a cold, not even that they have one right now. That's how they should have been treating me when I said I had a compromised immune system!!!!! Why the fuck is that so difficult to understand. I HAVE A COMPROMISED IMMUNE SYSTEM!!!!!!! Next time you break your leg I'm gonna jump on your broken leg and see how you like it! See how you like it to be treating like you're fine when you're not!!!!!!!

Here, want a sip of my smoothie? Oh, BTW I was puking my fucking guts out all weekend so now you'll be doing the same. Yeah, that's have I've been treated and it's fucking sick!!!!!

But yeah I'm not doing anything happy for anyone ever. I haven't returned a phone call in 4 months and I don't plan to start returning my phone calls until 2018 or maybe even 2019. I mean it. I'm not doing happy things ever because all you people keep treating me like I'm a fucking computer game where every time I smile or say something happy or post a happy pic or something it's like you get  gold coin in the game you just keep collecting and collecting more gold coins until they fill your room like Bellatrix Lestrange's vault with all that gold stuff and you just surround yourself with those gold coins and cling to them as reality when they are not a normal state of being, they are 100% circumstantial. So yeah no more gold coins for anyone to cling to.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Mehmehmehmehmehmeh

Foam pits are fun. You can climb to the top of the rock wall and pretend you're jumping off a cliff and be like, "Fuck the world!" and fall and fall and fall and it's such a fucking thrill to get to do that without the inconvenience of being dead afterwards. And no I won't actually, but foam pits are fun. And no I'm not gonna go talk to someone about it bc I've seen lots of people and they're all fucking jerks and that is NOT my fault, I will never take no responsibility for other people being invalidating jerks to me and telling me that things like the radical unschooling lifestyle didn't exist when it actually did. Like I literally described exactly that as a kid and it was like no that doesn't exist while it did exist. Like if some little kid comes up to me and is like, when i grow up i wanna take care of sick people and give them medicine and put casts on broken legs, and I said to the little kid nope, can't do that, there is no such job like that that exists in the world, well that wouldn't be very nice of me would it? but that's what the child counselors did to me essentially so fuck them. Fuck the system. I will always always always say fuck the system and fuck all authority and I will never ever ever outgrow that. I mean it. It's all the system's fault, not mine, we're all products of circumstances and I'm not taking any responsibility beyond that. But anyway foam pits are fun but I'm not going back because I can't jump anymore. I drove all the way to altitude for a special treat and then I go and find out I can't jump anymore just like when riley can't play hockey anymore. I guess trampoline island is shattered. Family island is like one third there, friendship island is smaller because less people, writing island is like sorta surviving but it's in a dull state of being, and everything else is gone. Everything else has withered away including party island and vacation island and being a reliable person island and goal-setting island and everything else and pretty soon I'm gonna be islandless, and yes i just made up the word islandless sorrynotsorry if you got a problem with that bc fuck grammar and fuck the system and fuck everything and i will never ever ever outgrow that ever. but yeah i'm gonna be like riley when she goes all blank with no islands left but at least sadness isn't fucking lost, it's joy who's lost and she can stay lost because i can't fucking stand people like joy right now, i can't stand our culture being run by all these peppy happy bounce-backers. Everyone clings to the idea that I'm gonna be happy and perky again and i'm not. like never ever ever and i don't get why thats so fucking incomprehensible to you fucking earthling humans. like if I'm happy ONE TIME in a month or something, you all fucking cling to it like you think that's my normal state of being. Stop clinging. Just stop clinging to this idea that I'm a happy person because I'm not. And don't you dare apply growth mindset and add the word "yet" to the end of that statement either. MY NORMAL STATE OF BEING IS "MEH" Got it? Meh is my normal neutral state when nothing good or bad is influencing me either way. On a mood scale of -10 to +10, my "normal" state of being is a zero. And it goes up and down depending on what's happening externally. So for starters, I don't know why the fuck it's so difficult to understand "what's wrong" right now and why people keep asking if I'm tired or something new bad happened like they can't fucking remember THREE MONTHS AGO, but also I don't fucking get it why anyone is expecting me to be at a +10 anyway. What the fuck awesome life even has happened anytime recently that would make me be at a +10? If nothing bad were happening, I would be at a zero, unless something good were happening. Don't you dare go around thinking that my normal state of being is anything above a meh because it's not!!!!! Stop thinking it is cuz it's not. and oh sorrynotsorry you thought i'd use paragraph breaks to make this easier to read well i ain't doing that, i ain't doing nothing for no one and no ain't gonna sound like that whole publishable quality writing thing that i can apparently do bc talk about functional! yeah whatevs but i ain't functional, I ain't positive, i'm gonna be coddled and be in safe spaces all i want and fuck the system and trust no one except trustworthy people and fuck everything else. Don't you dare go thinking i'm gonna turn better than this cuz I'm NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Seriously

My coworker's brother passed away last year. I expected her to be different after that happened. She was always a very outgoing, bubbly, high-energy, cheery kind of person, and I expected her to not be the same again after her brother died.

My coworker ended up going back to her normal self much earlier than I had expected, but the point is that I didn't expect it. I never would have just expected her to be like that again. If she never went back to normal, if to this day, she just wasn't perky like she was before, I would not think there was anything weird about that and I would understand that it was because her brother died. I would never wonder what was wrong. I would never ask her why she was tired or if she was sick or something because I would remember what was wrong and I would never expect it to just go away. EVER.

I don't get why I'm the only one on the fucking planet who wouldn't expect someone to ever be the same again.

Precedents

Life Lesson: Everything you do sets a precedent. Everything. There's no such thing as saying, "Well, I'll do this thing that I'm not really okay with just this one time because of extenuating circumstances, but I'll never do it again." Because when you do it that one time, people expect you to do it again. 

Most of what we consider to be "good" first impressions are in fact bad first impressions because they are inaccurate first impressions. Letting someone think you're something you're not is bad. Letting someone think you'll do something that you actually won't do is bad. "Good" first impressions are mostly bad.

I learned that today when after three years of working at a company without the accommodations that I needed all along to work there, and I finally decided to put on my noise cancelling headphones because it's too fucking loud there, my coworker tells me that our department doesn't wear headphones and that my boss would tell me to take them off if she saw me. I explained that I wasn't listening to anything and they were just to cancel background noise because the noise level was unacceptable to me, and she looked dumbfounded. Like, she didn't understand what noise I was talking about. Now, I think I'm going to switch to earplugs instead of headphones next week because they work better and that way there should be no confusion about whether I'm listening to music or not, but I don't know how my boss will react because she didn't notice my headphones today. I don't know how people are going to react to my wearing earplugs and my coworker's response about not wearing headphones makes me nervous. 

But the thing is, I NEEDED those earplugs when I started! I always needed them, for the whole three years I was there, and I should have demanded that from the start. I admire people who demand to be accommodated or else they'll walk away. I could never be that brave. By making a "good" first impression for three years, I led people to believe that the noise level was tolerable and that I could work without accommodations when I actually can't, and no one will ever believe that I needed the accommodation from the start because I went three years without it and I was still "productive."

I'm telling you - everything you do sets a precedent. Don't try to make good impressions because you won't get your needs accommodated in the end, you'll just win the fake affection of people who only like you when you fit into their mold of functionality. 

Funny Thing

J. K. Rowling said that when she wrote her first draft of the first Harry Potter book, she sort of glossed over the death of Harry's parents. Then six months later, her mother passed away, and the death of Harry's parents became a much deeper part of the books.

I'm going over some final edits on the validation book, and if I had to say what I would change now that my Grandma passed away, I'd say...nothing. I can see now, more than ever, that I had it right the first time. The only thing I'd change is that I would have already had it done and published and on the bestseller list so that everyone around me would have already read it when my grandma passed away and would be treating me differently as a result.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Social Capital

I will NEVER take responsibility for the fact that I don't have more social capital, nor will I ever accept the consequences of my not being social. Every time that I'm lonely, I get pressured to go out and meet new people. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. This time around, when I heard about my grandma, I explicitly told everyone that I was not accepting any kind of pressure or criticism about how I was reacting, and of course my mom goes and pressures me to get out there and make more friends and meet new people (not even recently - this was back in September when things were really horrible and that was like telling someone with two broken legs to go running. But no one gets that. No one ever gets it).

Holiday season was horrible and everyone around me was like OMG I have a hundred gazillion people to shop for while my parents and I were literally stocking our food in the freezer because we had no one to feed it to. Yeah. Fuck that.

But here's the deal: A lot of people think that only children such as myself don't have social skills because we didn't grow up with other kids. But what they don't realize is that we only children have to have social skills in order to make friends, unlike kids who are born with siblings who are automatically their friends and aren't going anywhere no matter what they do. When my mom was a kid, all the kids used to go out and play in the streets together, and if you were not the oldest child in the family, you were basically born into a group of friends. You didn't have to go out and take initiative and introduce yourself to someone - you'd just tag along with your siblings and you were automatically part of the gang. I'm not saying that non-first-born kids don't have social skills - I'm saying that they don't need social skills as much as only and oldest children do - they can get by in the world without being social butterflies and without having social capital because they're just born into a group of friends that isn't gonna ditch them.

I work in a department right now with 5 coworkers. One of them is the oldest of 6 kids, one is the oldest of 4 kids, and one is one of 7 kids (not sure about the order). Another one has at least 3 siblings (possibly more, I'll have to ask), and another one I am not sure about her siblings (she's newer in our group), but she recently told me that she has a ton of cousins and they all lived on the same street as kids and played together every single day, basically grew up being siblings.

And most of my coworkers are my parents' age, so with all those siblings comes tons of in-laws and nieces and nephews, making for some huge family groups. My coworker who's the oldest of 6 said that all of her siblings live nearby and they are a very tight-knit group. For holidays, she often prepares for 30+ people, and that's not even everyone.

But here's the thing - introverts make up between 1/2 and 1/3 of the US population, depending which scale you're looking at. Statistically speaking, all of those 30+ people are not going to be extroverts. They're not all going to be social butterflies who are popular in school and join lots of clubs and want to organize events and travel the world and meet new people. And yet, they all are a part of this huge tight-knit group because they were just born into it. It's not something that has to be earned if you're in the right circumstances.

My coworker said that being the oldest, she's expected to host everything and people just invite themselves over to her house. So that's why it's better not to be the oldest. If I had older siblings, I could just tag along with their friends and I'd always have people to be with and always have a big group that was mine automatically without having to do anything to work my way in.

That's what I want. I've seen that you can have that huge group of friends and support without doing a thing to earn it, and I'm not putting up with this pressure to be social in order to earn it. Whenever I hear my coworkers talking about their close-knit huge families, I find myself wondering if they have any family members that I could date so that their family will automatically be mine too.

This year, I'm going to get a girlfriend, and I'm going to get one who has a lot of older siblings that she's really close with so that we can just invite ourselves over to their houses and tag along with what they're doing and have a close group that's there forever without needing to earn it with social capital.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

I Love Jojo!!!

I love Jojo!!!! She is everything I'm aspiring to be and all the people who keep trying to tone her down and get her to be polite can fuck off! Go Jojo!









Thursday, January 5, 2017

July 2016 Calendar


July was another giant flower, just like April. It was the perfect opportunity to get across the point that I was trying to make with April, but didn't quite reach. This flower is an orchid. The background in the upper left corner represents the sun. The upper right corner represents the rain. The bottom left corner is getting only sun, but not rain. The bottom right corner is getting only rain, but not sun. The flower petal at the top center is getting all of its need met and is thriving. The two petals next to it are doing well, but not their absolute best because they are not quite getting all of their needs met. The two petals on the right and left on the bottom are not doing well because very few of their needs are being met, and the bottom center petal is totally meh because none of its needs are being met. The purpose of this piece is to leave the viewer feeling unsatisfied, like you wish I had done the entire flower like the top petal, it bothers you to have to look at gray when there could have been color, but the only way to get what you see in that top petal is to provide a person with those thriving conditions.

For the bottom center, I only used shades of gray. 

For the two side petals on the bottom, I used a lot of the same colors that I used on the top half of the flower, but I shaded them very lightly. I filled in the background lightly in a color that looks like sand. I also made the color patterns symmetrical to add to the blandness. If you drew a line halfway through each of the bottom petals, both sides would look exactly the same. 

The top side petals, I colored darker and brighter, and the colors are non-symmetrical. However, the coloring is simple and solid and does not include different levels of shading other than the designs being darker than the background. 

On the top center petal - the one that is getting all of its needs met, I did lots of shading, colors transitioning from one to another, and I added patterns, similar to the swirly patterns I did in May. 

In the six-pointed flower in the center, I used the same colors going all the way around, but in different shades. (For the gray petal, I used the greenest looking gray for the green part, the bluest looking gray for the blue part, etc). I think there's a cool effect to having a dark, vibrant color right next to a washed out version of the same color. And there's a cool effect of having a solid-colored petal next to one that might look the same at first glance but actually has multiple colors blended together. I love that it's the exact same flower, just in different circumstances.

While I love the concept behind this one, the picture itself is not one of my favorites because I didn't execute the idea as well as I had hoped. I think it's because I colored the backgrounds so vibrantly that the flower itself doesn't pop the way that I had hoped it would, and that top center petal needs to pop more in order for the effect to work.

This is also a month when I started documenting all the fun things I did over the summer:



I drew a few special things in past months, but this was the only month that I colored in so many of the days. I think the reason was because this was the first month I did that really didn't fit how I was feeling at the time. The other months all matched my current feelings, but July was more like, I had had this idea in my mind for a long time, and the July picture fit perfectly with my idea, but July was actually one of the funnest months of the year for me, and this picture didn't fit that at all. So I added lots of fun stuff so that it would fit with the awesome summer that I was having, without changing the meaning of the picture.